closer to fine.

the compound effect.

2012-01-03T00:42:00.003-05:00

The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Going to be honest, I'm pretty sure this book was written for me.
The Compound Effect is a motivational book about what he calls - wait for it - the Compound Effect. The concept is basically to say that smaller steps over a long period of time will have a greater, more beneficial and successful effect on your life than bigger steps in a shorter period of time (that most people will not stick to). I am the type of person that gets revved up to make a change, is all-in for about a month (tops), and then I "don't have enough time," or "I'm too tired," excuse, excuse, excuse.
This book gave me such a different way to view behavior modification as well as changing life-long bad habits (of which I certainly have my fair share). Reading it just before the start of the New Year gave me a lot to think about and I have put several of his suggested methods into effect already.

I would highly recommend this book to basically everyone. Whether you're looking to change a behavior, a habit, build a business or even think that things may just be fine as they are, it's a great (very quick!) read that will really have you reevaluating the way you look at your life and considering even the smallest changes that may end up making all the difference in the long run.

View all my reviews

love unlisted.

2011-12-27T12:38:00.000-05:00

Love Unlisted by Stephanie Haddad
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I've never really been the "chick lit" type, but this book was glued to my hand. I feel like I was very emotionally busy throughout reading it; I teared up about 4 times (this is coming from someone who cries during every episode of Grey's, so it might just be me) and was literally "LOL-ing" throughout most of the book. There were a few points where I thought for sure I had figured out a side-plot, but Stephanie Haddad would never make it so easy. I found myself second-guessing myself up until the last couple pages.

If you like contemporary romance, I would absolutely recommend this witty read. In fact, even if you're usually not (like myself), I can still guarantee you'll find yourself sucked into this book as it's impossible to not relate to the main character, Grace, and her neuroses that you don't want to admit you also have.

View all my reviews

Buy this book here.

kindles don't kill books, people do.

2011-03-20T13:18:00.007-04:00

I bought a Kindle about 2 weeks ago and I am in love. I didn't want an e-reader, at all. I had nothing against them, I just had no reason for one. Eventually, I discovered I actually had a lot of reasons.

People seem to have pretty strong opinions of the Kindle; you either love 'em or you hate 'em. Why is that necessary? Why would you hate an electronic? It should be that you either love 'em, or you don't own one. What's the point of hating something that no one's forcing you to even have? It's just. An object. Get over it.

"No glare!" You know what else doesn't have glare? Books!
Just... stop talking. You sound like a child. It's called marketing, and these ads are not bashing books, they're bashing the competition (i.e. iPads). Newsflash: despite ignorantly popular belief, e-books' competition is not an actual book. You're an idiot.

Is our society really so lazy that they can't turn a G-D page anymore?
You think that's the only reason people want e-readers? You think they're paying $100+ to push a button instead of turn a page? This just sounds like a serious case of I-hate-change. Get over it and give our technology-driven society a little more credit.
I wonder if people were horrified that they started printing words on paper instead of just reading them off the cave walls like they had been doing since the beginning of time. Is it so hard to just go to the wall and read? Are we so lazy that we have to have the words in our hands so we don't have to stand up?
We are a society constantly striving for improvement in convenience, time-management and general efficiency. Learn to grow with it, or get left behind. It's not a bad thing and we won't stop moving.

You have a Kindle? Aw, I kind of wanted one, but I'm just not ready to give up books.
This is not a joke; I've had several people say this to me. Um, I haven't given up books. I do, in fact, still read them. I can even keep them in the same room as my Kindle. They seem to get along okay.
There are some books I wouldn't even want electronically. I get to choose, it's really kind of amazing.

The point of books, believe it or not, is to read, to educate and use your mind. The bottom line is that it really doesn't matter how you read, as long as you're doing it. So, who's to judge whether someone turns over a piece of paper or hits a button to do it? To each his own. Do we really have to judge everyone for every little thing they do if it's not what we would choose?

I have a Kindle for a few reasons. I like that when I read in public, the entire world doesn't know what I'm reading (especially when the majority of things I read about are eating disorders, rape, drugs, psych crap... and that awkward time I wanted to read Breaking Dawn on the Green Line...). I like that I can lay down in bed comfortably without fighting to keep pages flat and open. I like that I can finally read while I'm on the bike or treadmill at the gym, because I'm not struggling to keep the pages open while I'm trying to fight my lack of cardio strength.
At the same time, I love books. I love the smell of them and the activity of reading them in general.
Here's the bottom line: if you don't like it, don't get it. But let everyone do what they please. Go start a paper-only book club and call it a day. Write a damn book about how much you hate electronics and refuse to have it published as an e-book. I don't care. I don't even care if you write a whole blog about why you hate the Kindle, but at least back it up with something more solid than, "People are too lazy to turn pages." That's just ignorance.

Oh, and FYI, e-readers are saving the planet.

room.

2011-03-19T15:21:00.000-04:00

Room by Emma Donoghue

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Generally speaking, "Room" is my kind of book. It takes a twisted mind to write it and an equally twisted mind to enjoy it.

Honestly, I was turned off by one particular review before I even started reading it and I would mostly say I agreed. The book is written from the perspective of a 5-year-old, so it can be very frustrating to read and I couldn't follow some things because of the grammar. I almost feel like Donoghue doesn't give 5-year-old's enough credit, but I don't spend enough time with children in that age group to truly back that up. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that, as a best-selling author, she must have done her research. There were some inconsistencies mentioned by the aforementioned reviewer, such as how Jack refers to vomit as "stuff falling out of her mouth," but then calls it vomit for the rest of the book when it's never actually explained to him. However, it didn't bother me as much.

I must admit that I was pretty impressed with Ma's creativity in all the ways she managed to teach and entertain her son in the confines of an 11x11 ft room. There were a few spots that actually had me tearing up a little, which isn't easy for an author to bring me to. For some reason, I can't bring myself to say that I "love" this book, but I can't think of too much I didn't like about it. The story was intriguing enough; especially during the "Great Escape," I seriously couldn't read fast enough. Warning: that whole chapter was insanely anxiety provoking.

If it was possible, I would give it 3.5 starts and would definitely recommend it to the right person.

View all my reviews

amazon gets me.

2011-01-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

These are the recommendations on my Amazon homepage.

8 products on ASL.

5 books about EDs.

3 children's books in Hebrew.

...and a Canon lens.

Thank you, Amazon.

identity crisis: i'm not a cancer.

2011-01-13T22:04:00.001-05:00

I have been a Leo since 1986. I'm textbook. I'm still getting it inked. Deal with it.

(Pluto was one thing... it was a rock. Now you're just messing with the way people see themselves and an astrological connection that helps them figure out who they are. Don't people have enough problems with identity as it is?)

http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/01/13/horoscope-hang-up-earth-rotation-changes-zodiac-signs/

snowpocolypse '11.

2011-01-13T00:21:00.002-05:00

The Great White Waltham, Circa 2010.

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i needed a scarf.

2011-01-09T23:56:00.002-05:00

So, this is the one I started. I don't know why, but I couldn't get a picture to do it justice. It looks better.. not in a picture. Actually, it looks like I screwed it up at the top, but it's just because it gets kind of bunched at the needle.

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it's gonna be a happy new year.

2011-01-01T12:20:00.000-05:00

What a freaking decade that was. My entire high school career, college, becoming seriously sick AND recovering from it, dad become seriously sick and his stem cell transplant, my brother's entire college career and living in NM, a cruise, every real trip I'd ever taken (which was not many..), my little cousin Devin's entire life, babies everywhere... In the bigger picture, um, 9/11? The war we've been fighting for 10 years, the Sox winning the WS... TWICE. Good Lord, a decade is a whole lifetime, it seems.

But 2010... it literally sealed it off for me. I mean, it wrapped that bitch up with a bow and everything. There are years that stand out, but seriously, what a way to pull it together. I feel like my life finally just came together in the past year. Well done, 2010. Well done.

The abc's of my year (mad friendship points if you can fill in the letters I couldn't):

adventure summer; not as adventurous as planned...
blizzard of '10?
cpa; life saver
donald, the; yeah, he's kind of on my side for 2011
elissa june haddad; the nicu miracle baby herself
frozen oranges; the semi-end to an era?
greg & mal's wedding <3
how i met your mother; the most quoted show of the year
ikea; i discovered it
jen warner; life saver
k
legen-- wait for it...
matzo ball '10
nicu crew; best non-blood family anyone could ever ask for
olym pen vacation; most successful runaway
paramore; my one and only concert this year (worth it)
quitting my job on a (desperate) whim
returning to my degree after 5 long years
sweatshirt bonfire; now that's closure
twilight rendering my $5 clearance rack shirt an $1100 ebay sale
u
vegetarianism; that was a fun month...
wrapping up the last 5 years... perfectly
x
...dary. legendary.
z

So it's 2011: the year of the Rubensteins. The number 11 has kind of been a weird pattern for our family.
New Years Resolutions are not my thing. I'm a bigger fan of listing out goals for the year and things I'd like to do/see. My biggest one for this year is to take more risks. I started a little right at the end of 2010; pushed myself to do things that terrified me (as trivial as they were) and it worked out pretty well. It won't always, but it's worth it when it does.

What do you hope to accomplish for 2011?

xmas decor.

2010-12-05T22:09:00.003-05:00

Our 3' Xmas tree.

Snowmen creepin' on our TV.

flannel sheets save heat money.

2010-11-28T16:29:00.000-05:00

Frame & duvet cover from IKEA.
Plaid flannel sheets from Target (which, by the way, is definitely pronounced "Tar-get.") They're on sale for $15/ea, if you're into that.
King size flannel pillow case from Mom's linen closet. Those are free with biological discount. Black Friday special.

Now, to redecorate the rest of the room. That may have to wait for 2o11...

thanks.

2010-11-26T09:12:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was my 25th Thanksgiving. (Kind of a weird thing to say, isn't it?) It was really nice. There's usually 10-16 of us, but it was just my family, G and B. Small and quiet, and far less people to battle for my Gramma's sweet potatoes.

For 2010, I am thankful for:

1. My 3 families.

1a. SO many more people that I would never have the room or time to mention here for their continuing love and support.

2. The amazing job opportunity I've been given.

3. My awesome apartment and roommate.

4. The daily struggles I face that make me a stronger force to be reckoned with.

5. My uncanny ability to attract exactly what I need when I need it most. (See also: shirts that sell on eBay for $1100 right after I quit my job on a whim.)

6. Two pretty solid years of health and the ability to love Thanksgiving for what it truly is...AND the food.

7. Anyone that still reads my blog(s) and, more so, those who comment...

Hope you were all able to enjoy the holiday, Ativan-free. Or with it, whatever.

My mom and I are going to attempt to go shopping today. Wish us luck not dying!

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i cook now.. kind of.

2010-11-23T00:01:00.002-05:00

I've been getting into this weird habit lately of cooking dinner after work. Like, with produce and stuff. It's amazing how much healthier you feel when the words "remove the film" don't appear in the recipe.

Now, what should I do with the tilapia in my freezer? And why does Android not recognize the word "tilapia?" How sheltered.

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frostbitten oranges.

2010-11-09T00:23:00.000-05:00

I let go of Frozen.Oranges, the blog. (Not the name.)

I lost it. In fact, I kept losing it. It was mostly because of billing errors (I lose my debit card a lot, no one's sure why), but it seemed ridiculous how many issues I had keeping that site up in just the past year. I fought to get it back this time, even tried to pay and GoDaddy couldn't revive it for some reason. I mean, I posted about one time for each that I went through the trouble and long waits on the phone with GoDaddy. Guess it was time to let it go.

Let's be honest, the fruit of my domain was rotting. It's just not where I am anymore. It's not that it's a topic I'm no longer passionate for, but I'm in a very different place. I would have readers tell me they would love to know what life has been since finding full recovery - which is something I could certainly write about - but it didn't seem to have a place there. It wasn't the right tone.

I'd love to pluck all the remains (ok, that pun was actually not intended, but I'm keeping it) from whatever bits of the internet they dwell and keep them together. However, it's been a while since I felt good about pointing someone in the direction of the blog-that-hasn't-been-updated-since-2008 (or so it felt). I didn't feel like I was having the same effect I used to and I didn't feel the pride in it I used to.

I'm keeping the name. It stands for something and people connect with it... more people than I ever would have guessed when I first came up with it. I just believe I need to move it in a new direction. I've had some projects swirling in my thoughts for a few years and I might start to build on one of those. In the meantime, for those who are interested in post-recovery, you got it right here.

couldn't have said it better myself.

2010-11-08T23:59:00.002-05:00

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first droid picture.

2010-11-06T20:25:00.002-04:00

Dude. This camera is good. I smell photo-blogging. (Phlogging?...ew.)

By the way, meet my 4-year-old...and most patient photo subject.

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to mal & greg.

2010-10-24T00:00:00.001-04:00

Congratulations & mozel tov.

Love you both.

Mal & Greg
Sunday, Oct 24, 2010

some dudes marry dudes.

2010-10-15T23:53:00.000-04:00

This isn't exactly the post I wanted to put up after not having written for a while (and having a good number of topics going through). It's not that it isn't good - because it is - but just that I consider posting videos when you haven't blogged in a while to be like.. fair-weather-blogging. (Lame.)

Anyway, yes, I'm getting this shirt. Get the fuck over it.

my life is awesome: the academics.

2010-09-24T23:42:00.001-04:00

I like that for the first time for as long as I can remember, I get excited when people give me the ol', "So, how are things?" Unfortunately, people who ask that probably just expect, "Oh, good.. the usual." Too bad.

School is not directly amazing, but it's awesome in general. My classes are.. just something I need to get through to get my credits. That, of course, is exactly why I'm at MB; just get the gen eds done and get out. The more in depth my classes get and the more interactions I have with my emotional claimants, the more I realize where I need to be. I'm really excited to have the opportunity to take classes in child psych, addictive behaviors and pharmacology. Oh, and of course, nutritional science. I'm still strongly considering a holistic nutrition program in Cali after I get my BS, but that's way down the road. I get really excited thinking about it, though, even if it's not for a while.

On the other hand, there is the fact that I am going to miss out on approximately 12.5 hrs of class this semester due to the fact that classes start at 6pm and, depending on I-95 traffic, I get there between 6:15 and 6:45 from work. That's 12.5 normal length classes. Oy. Better make sure I do my reading.. I'm thinking next semester, I'll take 1 night class, 1 online class, and a Saturday class.

I'm going to start looking into schools...

a very important date.

2010-09-05T01:48:00.000-04:00

On Sat, Aug 29, 10, one of my very close friends had her bridal shower. Since I happen to have first-hand access to the photos, I thought I might show of my POV of the MOH's beautiful job setting up the whole tea party-style deal.

[For more, visit my work at Zenfolio.]

now ('10) and then ('03).

2010-07-29T01:00:00.031-04:00

On my (really f-ing awesome) birthday, I went to the Paramore concert with some sweet ladies. It was amazing. I'm not ashamed of the girl-crush I have on Hayley Williams. Of course, New Found Glory definitely opened for them.

So, I went onto Xanga to read my friend's updates who still use it. My last updates on Xanga are from my inpatient days and what lead me to Blogger.. which lead me to Frozen.Oranges. Knowing this, I thought it might be fun to go back and check out my original entries.

My Xanga goes back to 2003 (holy crap). Of course, this means there's some really interesting crap starting with junior year in high school. Before it all. It's weird to see proof that there was life before.. it blew up.

Friday, 25 April 2003

'eeey!
THE HRC/LTJ/GC/NFG CONCERT LAST NIGHT WAS FKNAMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! first of all, BS, BD, GM, and AP, you guys kick ass. i had such an awesome time with you guys. second of all, i believe Greg put it best in his profile: "you haven't lived till you've been hit in the back of the head by about 10 crowd surfers." althought, the number was closer to around 30 or so, haha~ it was hot, gross, cramped, and GOD was it painful... and worth every second of it!! i'm damn proud of the bruises i picked up on the floor of the Worcester Centrum. "These bracelets don't come off until they rot themselves off!" damn straight, yo. it was so incredible, i can't even begin to tell you.
M; I put the M in mosh

Man, do I feel old. That was 7 freaking years ago.
And.. I still stand by rotting bracelets.

Here's to you, 17-year-old Emily, because I know you would have loved to know that you got to see NFG again.. even if you really can't see what the big deal is now.

the weight of silence.

2010-07-18T11:45:00.002-04:00

The Weight of Silence by Heather Gudenkauf

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book is amazing. While it took me close to a month to get through it (as I could only read during my lunch break at work), it's a very quick read.

Gudenkauf's style is genius and completely entralling. I will admit that I got through a good chunk of the book pretty skeptical, as you feel like you already have all the answers and there's no mystery left. You know where the "lost" girls are and how it happened. Or you think you do. I love books where I get bitch-slapped by the author in the end for assuming they didn't think I was smart enough and everything finally falls into place. I had to go back and reread the first chapter when I realized how wrong I was about a seemingly very small fact at the beginning of the book that completely through me off.

I read one review where the reader felt like there was no depth the characters and I absolutely beg to differ. That reader could not have been in the same book I was.

My favorite part is close to the end when Ben figures out how to get the facts. I will openly admit that during that part and several others, I almost cried. It takes a lot for a book to either make me cry, or laugh out loud. (There was no laughing during this book, though.) I should not have been reading it at my desk..

Well done, Gudenkauf. Well done.

View all my reviews >>

summer based on unemployment.

2010-07-10T11:04:00.000-04:00

Oh my God, I need this storm to hit. I hear it's on its way from New York. I love the heat, I don't even mind humidity. However, Boston's hit 101º twice this week and it seems like I just can't get away from it. I need a break so I can sleep without a frozen washcloth and 2 fans going.

Anyway, I didn't expect (or care to think it was possible) that my summer would be spent unemployed, but somehow, my plans reflected that the possibility was there. The goals I'd set for the summer are far more difficult with a 40 hr/wk job, but I canNOT complain. I've accomplished my biggest goal, not just of the summer, but for 2 years.

However, all I have to do now is rearrange some things and scheduling. I only have the weekends now to get stuff done. I can do some things in the evenings but I only have until 10p, as I wake up for work at 6:30a. I think I'll actually have to write myself of schedule of when I can do all the things I want to do.

My next big goal is to find me a roommate. My current roommate is moving out next weekend and I'll need someone in here for August 1. If you know anyone looking to move to the Waltham/Newton/Watertown area, let me know. I'm hoping to have someone locked in no later than the 20th. At this time, I have 5 people coming to see the place between now and Monday. Wish me luck.

Oh, and the date is set for the Big Cut of 2o1o. I made it 2 years (and 2 months) this time. I was going to set it for the 24th, but the girl I want to see isn't available so I'm going on the 17th. It's probably better. I am so done with the crap I have to do every single day that I'm not even sure I'll make it to the 17th without going insane.

I couldn't work out the scheduling with the place I've been going for 15 years. My regular girl is on maternity leave until October and the other two I'd let near my head are only available on the weekdays. So I'm trying out this place. Wish me luck..

stephanie meyer pays my bills.

2010-07-08T21:16:00.002-04:00

I have been dying to share this with the world, but I wanted it to be official before I went on telling the story to everyone. Yesterday, I received proof that the shirt was in fact received by my buyer (in Australia) and this money is totes mine. (Okay, the money is totes my mechanic's and my landlord's.. but it's money I wouldn't be able to give them otherwise!)

For those who don't know, the picture to the left is from the unbelievably crazed-teenager spawning movie, Twilight. I got into it and when I watched the movie, realized I own the shirt in this picture over here. That's Bella. Girls all over the world want to be her. Apparently, it's awesome to always look miserable.. that's kind of "in" right now.

Anyway, it's important to know that this shirt was bought for me (yeah, my mom totally buys me clothes still) 4 years ago on clearance at Bob's for $5. This was before the books came out.

Long story short, here's a screen shot of my shirt up on eBay on the last day of bidding:

[If you're honestly amazed that people are this psychotic about Twilight, click on it.. it gets worse.]

Fuck. Yes.

And then I sold a free book for $50. I love eBay. The end.

so fresh and so clean, clean.

2010-06-27T12:37:00.001-04:00

That.. would be my bedroom, ladies and gentlemen, a little more than 24 hrs ago. I so cannot believe I'm actually posting this online. I wouldn't even let anyone in it. I feel like I should have a list of things you need to find, like in Highlights for Kids. (It's ALWAYS in the tree, by the way.)

It was bad. The mess even continued onto half my queen-size bed. I just hadn't had time.

However, I start a new job tomorrow (holla!) and I just could not come from an 11 hr (including commute) day to this shit hole. I need a place to unwind.

My whole life, cleaning my room has been a challenge. It's overwhelming. I mean, when your room looks this bad, where the f do you start?? There is so much that needs to be done and so much space that needs to be covered. When I was younger, I would sit down and cry. As I got older, I would just give up and hit up AOL for distraction. I couldn't get through it.

Post-It notes cleaned my room. Seriously. It only took me 24 years, but I found my solution. I need things broken down into pieces and this was the most brilliant way I could ever think of.

I grabbed a package and broke it down into 20 steps: 1) Dump everything from bed onto floor. 2) Throw out trash from that pile.. etc. I had a clear-cut order that things needed to be done and if I didn't know what to do next, I ripped off the next one. It was so simple. It also helped me keep focus for way longer than I usually can. (Concerta probably didn't hurt, either.)

That's all 20. I stuck them to my wall as I finished.

The awesome thing is that it could work for anything. Cleaning the house, working on a project or a school paper, setting up an event. It's so elementary that it almost seems childish, but it works.

Oh, and here's the after shot.. (Enter: fan. It was approximately 90º in my house last night because I had been moving so much and I can't open half my windows. It was time.) Couldn't even see the green rug before.

Bring on new job!

a father's day tribute.

2010-06-20T11:01:00.000-04:00

This is my dad and I on our last birthday (my 23rd, his 55th). We have the same birthday and after almost 24, the awesomeness has still not gotten old for me.

My dad has been a lot of things in his life: a father (obviously, or you wouldn't have this blog to read.. lucky you), a brother, a husband, a manager, a basketball player, a softball player, a clarinet player, a devout red sox fan, a purebred bostonian, a computer nerd, a "bagel man," a soccer coach, a baseball coach, a softball coach, a temple volunteer, a shoe salesman, a grade A angel hair pasta cook, a great children's story author (though these stories cannot be found in writing), a heart attack survivor, an entrepreneur, a Santa Claus, a lover, a fighter.. a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker. ..Anyway..

Whichever one of the above he was at any given time, he always strived to be the best and encouraged my brother and I to do the same. Like a dad should.

In the past 3 years, I have certainly learned not to take these things for granted. Dad, I always appreciated everything you tried to do to help me. Right down to teaching me everything I know about baseball and the soap opera that is The Boston Red Sox, especially during the times when we had very little else in common. You were always there.

I love you, Dad. Happy Father's Day.

http://www.scleroderma.org/

http://www.transplants.org/

stfu: not what you think.

2010-06-19T02:34:00.001-04:00

STFU, it's not what you think. This one stands for Summer Training Friday Update. At first I had SFU, but how could I not throw a T in there? Training works. I'm training to be a better member of society. Count it.

Anyway, I need to track my goals and hold myself accountable for them. I read once in a runner's blog that it helps to blog goals like this because when you know other people are aware of what you're working towards, you're less likely to let down an entire group. I am forcing myself to keep my (three or so) readers content with positive updates. So, here you have it for today:

Ran: my whole W2 for C25K. It started well, did not end so well. My IT band is not in fantastic shape, and while my PT says it feels a little looser, I beg to differ. I've also started ankle strengthening, which should help. Oh, and when a physical therapist looks at your chart and goes, "WOW, you have a lot of exercises on here!" it's not usually a good thing.. I'm going to repeat W2 and we'll see how it goes.

Wrote: a synopsis. The goal is 500 words whenever I write, but I'd say that's a start. I decided to give my own life a break and try something fiction. I liked where I was going with last year's NaNoWriMo project, so I thought I'd see if I could bring it back to life.

Spoke: a good hour's worth of Hebrew. I've had "כותב" stuck in my head. It just means "writes," which is awkward to have hanging in your head all day.

Found: my iPod and my favorite shoes.. huge relief. Next goal: my carpet. I know it's in here somewhere..

Misc: I got a new job. I start on Tuesday. That was my biggest goal of the summer, so YAY(enter: tons of exclamation points). Also, my deposit has been sent into school. Next steps include getting my immunization records from my doctor and setting up placement testing. Getting closerrrrrrrr...

parking FAIL.

2010-06-15T17:53:00.003-04:00

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaatadouche.

Oh, and the reason this is so crappy is because it's taken through my foggy office window. Some of my neighbors are legit crazy and I didn't want to be seen photographing someone's car outside. I think you can still get a pretty good feel for an ass this person is though.

It wasn't even like, temporary parking. This car was there for at least an hour after I got home. Who knows when it got there in the first place. He doesn't even live here and it's private, tenant-only parking. So wanted to have him towed.

Just thought I'd share.

the adult chore chart.

2010-06-14T01:46:00.000-04:00

You remember these. We all had one, at least in the classrooms of our youth, if not on our own fridges at home. They were intended to motivate. Chore charts are the next step up in visual encouragement after getting the dog-pitched "Yaaaaaaaaaaaygoodgirl!" and clapping whenever we do something good. When Mom realizes we're too old to do what it takes for an overzealous clap, suddenly it's discovered that stickers do the trick.

Despite the fact that these colorful, gold star-coated grids are assumed to only belong to children, that doesn't mean they stop working. I suppose at some point all kids find their own way of organizing and setting reminders. They think they grow out of these charts, but they really just become less animated. Newsflash: a planner is a grown-up chore chart. There are just different lines on the pages, different colors, less stickers - unless you're my mom - and different blocks of time.

Keeping the above in mind, what if we went back and realized there are actually some valuable advantages to the ol' block-y grid? The main point of it was to list not the things that you need to get done once, but the things that need to become habit. Clean my room, clean the litter box, don't pick on my sister, take my Ritalin.. Well Steph and I are working on forming new habits (and still trying to nail that last one down, to be honest). We thought we'd start the simplest way we know how.

We made jokes about the chore chart, but I have to admit there is certainly something really motivating about it. I mean, it's very plain and simple; a black and white Excel grid with two weeks worth of days lining the top and the things we'd like to do more often down the left side. (After making that icon, however, I'm considering at least writing "I CAN DO IT!" across the top just for good measure.) However, when I really don't feel like doing something, it makes it seem so much less overwhelming when I just see a little box I could check off next to it. It's so simple. The goal is to mark as many things as I can, and in 10/20/30 min, it's one more. I tend to also start thinking, "If half an hour goes by and I didn't do this one thing, I'm going to feel like I wasted time. If I just do it - even if I'm not in the mood - there's no way I can't feel positive about it 30 minutes from now when it's over with." I'm starting to get good at pushing myself into things. That muscle needs a lot of strengthening before school starts.

Make fun, but if you're having trouble getting in a new habit or routine, I'm actually finding this to be a pretty helpful tool. It only takes a minute to draw up a few boxes. Give it a shot.

The best part is, no, these charts didn't work as well for me when I was actually a child.

the short second life of bree tanner.

2010-06-10T12:27:00.001-04:00

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella by Stephenie Meyer

My rating: 2 of 5 stars
Alright, as a Twilight fan (yes, I will shamelessly label myself as such), I think this added some interesting depth to the third book. I am one of those people who likes all the answers and all loose ends tied up, so having some background on these creatures thrown into Eclipse gives a nice dimension to the war with the newborns.

That being said, it was.. "cute." I honestly felt like I was reading fan-fiction for a good portion of the book. I said I like answers, but I'm a big girl; I don't need to be spoon-fed details like, "Once again, I knew there was something I was missing in his expression," until BAM, "I figured out what it was I was missing in his expression." You're a novelist, Meyer, build like one.

It was worth it, and nothing that - writing wise - I wasn't expecting after having plowed through the whole series. For what it was and the three hours it took to read it, I liked it. It'll also be an interesting idea to keep in mind when seeing Eclipse in a few weeks.

If you're a Twilight fan, it's not really something you have the option of not reading.

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big plans.

2010-06-07T23:42:00.000-04:00

This summer. Oh, this summer.

Let's see.. the deal is that I'm starting school in the fall. (That's right.. I actually have a piece of paper that says, "Hey, you're in our program.. so we expect to see you in September." You know, mas o menos.) I also just quit my job, as some of you may or may not know. That's right. "Ack-more" is done like dinnah. And, no worries, I went out with style. Note to retail: rapping the closing announcements goes over well. One customer clapped in the middle of asking one of my co-workers a question. Awesome.

Anyway, there's totes a point to this. The point being it's time to whip my tush into gear. I've come to see goal completion as a sort of school prep. I'm going to need to be able to push myself if I really want to succeed at school. Therefore, I'm going to practice pushing myself with things I actually want to get done now. When I want to put something off, it's, "No.. do you want to succeed in school? Go $*%&ing do it." And it's been working.

Of course, in doing so, I've come to realize I make chunky goals for myself. This makes them harder to accomplish when they spin me into the downward spiral of, "This is too big I have to get started now but I have other goals and they're too big so if I start this one I won't be able to do the other one and which one's more important if I don't do either I won't have to choose I'll figure it out later.." You can imagine that the success with that thought process is about as big as that sentence is without punctuation. SO, I'm breaking them down. Instead of planning on the ultimate goals (i.e. a 5k, a book, a language..), I have broken them down into easier-to-chew pieces:

Run 1 mile.
Write 1,000 words.
Complete Units 1 & 2 of RS.
Get an hourly wage job.
Find a roommate (Aug 1).

I think the most important thing I've learned in this is that.. you can always make new goals. They don't have to be in writing all at once. If I finish 1,000 words in one day, big deal. I'll tack on another thousand more. But if I plan to write 50,000, I'll get overwhelmed and write.. nothing.

Oh, and I'd like one of those wishing airplanes..

ch-ch-changes.

2010-05-29T01:12:00.001-04:00

It has been a week of lessons.

• There is never any excuse to put up with emotional abuse • A leap of faith is always scary; that shouldn't be the barrier • It's not your place to feel guilty for accepting help if it's offered • Misery loves company, and will sometimes pay for it • "Interview for many open positions" sometimes means "Info session that doesn't apply to you" • Just because you don't get asked for a co-pay, doesn't mean you won't get hit with a bill for it later • My mom will always have the latest technology before me • If I can't find my cat, he's probably right next to me wondering what we're looking for • Poptarts can land you in the ER with 2nd degree burns •

Didn't see that last one comin', did you? Neither did we..

So, my life is changing (thanks to my support system). Like, seriously, legit changing for the first time in over a year and a half. As always, there are an endless number of obstacles (would life be fun without them?) and I don't have an overall escape route. I guess we're not supposed to. A wise philosopher of life* once told me, "No use crying over spilled bridges." So.. there's that. (*Not really a philosopher of life.)

Over the last couple days, I've come to realize while I'm working a little harder to save money, cutting back does not mean killing my social life. B and I wanted to spend a day doing something fun for free, so we went and played frisbee and went for a little mini-hike in Waltham. I went out with some friends last night, but ate dinner at home as to not spend money on food. So now, I have a new challenge that's actually kind of fun: staying active while spending the absolute bare minimum. It's not meant to be punishment or torture, but there are actually a lot of ways to get out and hang out for little to nothing.

For starters:

Cut out fast food. A serious problem I have, as it's the closest, "cheapest" food to my job. This also translates into, "More regular Stop&Shop trips."
Walk/bike more. Also see: get a job closer to home. Also see: fix my bike.. I've got to cut back on gas. I live in the middle of everything. There are quite a few things I can pick up that I don't need to get in my car for, especially now that it's nice out. I'm just a little lazy.
Shop.. *there*. The lines alone are what I picture Hell to be like, but let's face it.. there is nowhere else in the world I can pick up a 20lb box of litter and 16lb bag of Purina Indoor Formula for a grand total of under $20. I also once bought a 24pk of "the good TP" (you know, quilted pockets and all) for $8. ISYN. (Oh, that's short for "I Shit You Not." Learn it, it'll catch on.)
Hang at home. I mean, with people. Don't isolate for the sake of saving. But a 6 pack is about the same as 1 beer at some bars and a good game of Quelf can outdo Trivia Night any day of the week.

That's all I got. I'm exhausted. I've rambled for a while now. And, in case you're wondering, the random crap up top are me tooling around with my "new" Bamboo. It's only slightly irrelevant and a product of me opening Illustrator at 1am. My bad.

oh, can we?

2010-05-26T19:58:00.000-04:00

I feel like this song was written with Facebook statuses in mind. "How can we subliminally get as many people as possible to have the same status?" You win, guys. Because, let's be honest, who couldn't use a fucking wish right now? How many people have listened to this song and been like, "OMG, this is so my life. I really COULD use a wish right now." Everyone. With the exception of those who listen to it and go, "Ugh, I hate this song." Those people probably don't care for it, but I assume you swing one way or the other.

Don't get me wrong. I actually like this song and I may or may not have a little bit of a girl crush on Hayley Williams. I'm not ashamed, so get over it. Nonetheless, it's kind of like horoscopes when people think they're "dead on," but (surprise!) they're just vague enough that it manages to apply to everyone's life. Also known as: lacking originality.

are you there vodka? it's me, chelsea.

2010-05-26T12:31:00.001-04:00

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
It took me a few chapters to get into this one, specifically the chapter where she gets a DUI and it occurs to me that Chelsea Handler is a real person. (I'd never heard of her before, as I don't often watch E!) Don't get me wrong, it was fairly good to start, but way more interesting finding these were all real things that happened. It's a ridiculous collection of stories from her life and I can certainly see why she wrote a book about them. Most of the time, I was fairly entertained. At some points, I was more focused on thinking, "This woman has a very twisted view on life.." There were a few chapters that I legitimately laughed out loud while reading, especially Mini-Me. That was my favorite.All in all, it was a fun read. I'll probably pick up her first book as well. If you have some downtime and want to pick up a book, I would certainly recommend this one.

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snuff.

2010-05-14T12:35:00.000-04:00

Snuff by Chuck Palahniuk

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This was pretty good. A fascinating look into the life of porn addicts and the industry. I wish I knew how much of it was actually "true fact," as Sheila loves to say. I can't tell if it's honestly true, or if she's trying to back up myths. I love how it's written by the perspectives of 3 different people and the way the stories fold into each other.

Palahniuk does a fine job of building up to the twists. They don't come completely out of the blue, but they're certainly not predictable.

It's a quick read. Worth picking up if you're a Palahniuk fan.

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the almost moon.

2010-04-29T12:32:00.000-04:00

The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I feel like that teacher that doesn't believe in A's. This book was very, very good, but I just can't bring myself to give it 5 stars.While Alice Sebold didn't quite grab me in the same way The Lovely Bones did, she still manages to astound me with her style. To stretch the events of a 48-hour period over 300 pages, meanwhile giving you a complete look at a person's entire personal life is amazing. The imagery she is able to instill is incredibly intense. This is the kind of story that sticks with you between reading sessions and tends to linger while you're trying to go about your work day. That's a book that wins me over - one that makes me feel emotionally apart of the story.This book is a heavy read, for sure. It's a fairly quick read, but if you're looking for something light and cheery, Alice Sebold is not the way to go.

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i'd have my hands full.

2010-04-20T23:01:00.003-04:00

Take a look at this picture. Now imagine this is what my child looks like. I had a dream a few weeks ago that my child was a shape-shifter, but was only capable of turning into Animal. Yeah, for reals.

I'll leave you with that.

dreams of incompetency.

2010-04-19T19:24:00.002-04:00

Luckily, dreams can be woken up from. And thank God.

I had a dream last night that I was at work (which was apparently me and a co-worker sitting on a couch and playing with model magic). I was stuck - as she wouldn't let me leave - for an extra two hours until my GM came in and was pissed I had stayed an extra two hours out of my scheduled time. At this point, it was 11:30pm in my dream, a weird time to still be stuck at work.
When I got home from work, where I lived with my parents, my mom had a collection of mail for me. Apparently, the school that I should be automatically accepted to had sent out forms to different places to learn about me. I was afraid my mom had seen my failing grades, even though I hadn't even started school yet. As it turns out, the school decided to reject me because my job sent them a review of my performance at work and ripped me apart as an employee. Therefore, I was not allowed to go to community college. What the fuck.

Anyway, at 4:30am this morning, I was up and ready to head to Lexington for the reenactment of the Revolutionary War, the reason for Patriots' Day, of course. In a million years, I never would have thought I would enjoy anything history related, let alone get up at 4:30am for it. It was pretty cool, not gonna lie. And for the first time in my life (including 12 years of American history), I finally understood what had happened during that war.
Of course, waking up at 4:30 makes a 7.5 hour work shift way more difficult. I am now on hour 15 of being awake, and I'm fading pretty quickly. I still have to stay up at least another 3 hours in order for me to not royally screw up my sleep. I am nodding off on the couch in my living room while eating carbs and drinking juice to try to keep myself awake. Not easy.

soda pop & ritalin.

2010-04-18T22:54:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I told my mom I was freaked out about going back to school. I told her I was afraid to find out that I’m incapable of learning, based on the fact that I have a difficult time retaining information and my memory blows. Is this a result of ADD? Is it possible that my obsessive thinking has taken up so much room in my brain that there’s no room to retain information that actually matters? I’m not really sure. I’m willing to try whatever, but that could take some time.

I need to know that my brain is not incapable of learning. I refuse to believe that. There must be things I can do to improve my brain function, my memory. Still, it freaks me out. I have never been a school person, but I hate to think about what my life would be like if I don’t extend my education. It would be.. what it is now: an explanation that I realize is so offensive, I shouldn’t even post it on a public internet source or it could actually cost me work. [Posting an explanation of] my current life.. could cost me a job. Think that one though.

I need to succeed.

night.

2010-04-11T12:32:00.001-04:00

Night by Elie Wiesel

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
It's hard to say you "like" a book like this one, but it is absolutely fascinating and just.. raw. The man is beyond proof that human strength prevails and, though he obviously lived (the book wouldn't exist..), part of me kept thinking, "This is it. This will be what kills him, for sure," the whole book.

Having been raised Jewish, stories of the Holocaust have been in my knowledge from as early as 5-years-old. I've heard all about it over and over in ways children shouldn't even hear about such a thing, but to hear the story from the inside brings all new meaning to everything I thought I ever knew about it. It was almost too personal, that though I knew the basic facts and everything that was coming, it was still difficult to continue at points.

Along with it being very well written, I was surprised at the detail he was able to recall. The half star I left off was only because I wished it hadn't ended so abruptly. I suppose I'll have to read Dawn, which I can only assume is the follow-up.

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wa: day 5

2010-03-15T01:42:00.000-04:00

today was seattle day.

my aunt and i left the house at 9:30am and headed out to catch the 10:30 ferry to seattle. derek's right.. ferries are awesome. it's a half hour trip on a boat with a full cafeteria, bathrooms, tables.. best way to commute. i just stood on the front like the awe-struck tourist that i am snapping away for the majority. mt rainier and mt baker on either side of the puget sound, with all of the seattle skyline straight ahead. gorgeous.

in the city, if it was a tourist attraction, i was there. we stopped in a few gift shops on the road right off the ferry and i picked up a few little things. we headed to the pike place market which i found easiest to describe as a craft show that.. never closes. it was amazing. full market with fresh fish, fresh produce, the most amazing colors i've ever seen. SO much fish. the whole market in general: a vegan's worst nightmare.

we walked around for a bit to get the full effect before heading to a bakery across the street for lunch. it happened to be next to the very [second] starbucks. (as it turns out, the very first burned down a long time ago.) needless to say, this bakery had one of the best cups of coffee i've ever had. no, i didn't have starbucks in seattle, though there was one on nearly every block.

next, we headed up to the monorail to shoot down to the space needle. monorail = cooler than the t; sorry, boston. the space needle is pretty self-explanatory. observation deck, entire city, all sports fields, puget sound, everything in between. obviously, an amazing view. oh, and i accidentally found "seattle grace." that was kind of exciting. the outside of the hospital is actually their nbc news studio building (k5). surprise.

after that, a few more touristy places - it was gorgeous and an amazing day to spend walking around the city - and then spent some time in the emp. without the pictures, it's harder to go into. it was a cool music museum, though. if you click the link, you'll see it's also a sci-fi museum; we didn't go into that part.

for dinner, we went to cheesecake factory. my aunt had never been before.

we were back on the ferry by 8:20 and headed back. as you may or may not be able to tell from my broken-up, somewhat monotone entry, i'm way beyond wiped. the pictures will say more than i can, but unfortunately, i don't believe my mac will be usable for the rest of the trip. i'm gonna go read and pass the f--- out.

wa: day 4

2010-03-13T21:55:00.001-05:00

Today was the day that my aunt took me on a full tour around the Olympic Peninsula. It was also the day I found a great appreciation for her introducing me to Twilight because, let's be honest, I wouldn't have "gotten" a lot of the trip if she hadn't. Driving around that area of the country - if you haven't gotten into the books - is like feeling left out of a 400 mile inside joke.

To put my location in perspective "A" marks the Olympic Peninsula, the furthest, most Northwest location in the Continental US. I was all up on that.

There is basically one highway that runs its way around the peninsula, which we followed from about 9am - 8pm that day. That's right. We packed up snacks, some music, our cameras, and (after I popped a Dramamine) we were on the road to explore.

Those who know me know I am not typically a road trip type of person. However, I've come to discover that it may not be the driving that bothers me, but the view I have to see. Any "road tripping" I've done has been down the east coast. Highway is not the most thrilling thing to look at.

This was different. This was green and mountains and water.. and more of those 3. It was just wilderness and it was quite literally breathtaking. The site of snow-capped mountains never gets old, not after a week and not after 19 years (says my aunt).

Here is our trip in a little more detail:

A: Port Ludlow

The starting point. From here, we hit 101 (aka, the Olympic Hwy) and followed around.

B: Port Angeles

Sort of the only real "city" (from what I gather) in this area. (Not exactly the Boston-type of city, or even Seattle, for that matter.)

C: Crescent Lake

We pulled over here for a bit to take pictures. It was the most amazing site on the side of a cliff where the forest just.. stopped. You could see the water draining out from little holes in the ground on the side. All you could see behind the lake was mountains. Everywhere you turned. I've never seen anything like it.

D: Forks

This tiny, little, empty town. One main road, a few buildings, ridiculously priced gas (probably due to the tourists the name alone brings in) and a gift shop devoted to mythical creatures and the girls that devote themselves to them. I would bet my savings that no one in this town ever expected their high school to become a tourist attraction. Surprise!

E: La Push (the Quileute/Quilayute Reservation)

The beach where I was bounded after by a large seal chillin' on the shore. Frisky little guy. Yes, this location is also very famous, now. I can't help but wonder how the Quileute tribe feels about being on display as a tourist attraction. However, right on the line of the reservation, you will find a sign that says, "Treaty Line: No Vampires Beyond This Point." Something tells me they might not have a big problem with it.

F: The Hoh Rain Forest

The only rain forest in the United States. Strangely enough, considering the weather patterns of the area, this was the only point in our entire day that we saw any rain. And, in all fairness, it was rather expected here. For the record, I have never found moss as beautiful as I have walking through this forest. It covered everything.

G: Ruby Beach

Come on.. how could we not? I think the coolest thing about this beach is that it's where the Hoh River (which we had been more or less following throughout the day) dumps into the pacific ocean. As in, the river runs through the beach itself and you actually see where they meet. It was pretty cool. Unfortunately, my sneakers were not down with this. It was a wet drive home.

I would say my "tour guide" was fairly thorough. It was just a gorgeous drive with scenery you just don't get to experience in my neck of the woods. There were a few other places we would have liked to go, but they are more day trips and better for the summer. Damn straight, I'm going back.

wa: day 3

2010-03-13T01:04:00.000-05:00

view from the living room

today wasn't much different from yesterday. a lot more reading (i'm honestly starting to get into it, now) and a little more knitting, way more relaxing.

i did go out for a bit, once the morning rain cleared. as most of the world knows, it rains here. a lot. but it's been pretty clear during the afternoon. my aunt has a spare car - a beastly little accord - that i was offered to borrow. i took her down to the grocery store to pick up some ice cream and get out for a bit, among other things. i wanted to see some people, too. of course, much to my disappointment, there seems to be no accent associated specifically with this part of the country. as it turns out, most people around here come from.. somewhere else.

tonight, i hit up a Pampered Chef party with my aunt that one of her co-workers was hosting. that was actually pretty fun. i love cooking stuff, i love free food, and i love meeting people. it turned out pretty good. oh, and there was a really adorable cat. that always improves.. everything. don't judge, but yes, i bought something. cheap. a scraper, because the ones i have are melted and some cheap crap that i bought for something like $0.99 for a pack of 3. worth it.

not much else to report for the day. however, i am exhausted and need to be up "early" (by 11am EST) to head out for our day trip. ..also, i'd like to do a little more reading..

wa: day 2

2010-03-11T21:43:00.076-05:00

The hat I made for baby Elissa

today was my first full day in washington. i woke up at 7:45/10:45a to my gramma checking in, which was fine because that was about as late as i should sleep. i haven't yet decided if i want to keep myself on EST or not. i'm pretty sure i do because a) it keeps me on a great, "normal people" schedule here on the west coast, and b) will make going back to work much less painful if i can manage to continue waking up around 9am EST. either way, i constantly have both times as i haven't changed my watch and my phone automatically adjusts itself.

on top of the time change, we "spring forward" this weekend. my timing rocks. i'm far from pumped. yay spring; boo loosing an hour.

my day was amazing. i didn't go anywhere. it was 40º out and i decided to spend my first official day of vacation doing the things i can't do at home because i feel like i have too much else to focus on. well, nothing to focus on here! no chores, no phone calls, no errands. just knitting (my first completed project to the right, along with my second in progress) and reading. i never read at home. however, prepare to judge me for what i'm reading.

ok, the book starts:

"In the Olympic Peninsula [where i'm staying] of northwest Washington State, a small town of Forks exists under a near-constant cover of clouds."

twilight is practically a tourist attraction, since i'm here. why not. it's alright, honestly. obviously written for a younger audience, not that i can hold my own age against the author. i didn't think i'd have any interest in anything concerning vampires, but the story is nice. if anything, it's kind of choppy and i would say things move a little too quickly. meyer doesn't seem to take enough time to really develop edward and bella's relationship.

whatever, i'm here relaxing for a week and it's a surprisingly fast 500 page read. whether or not i pick up new moon afterward is a different story. (haa.)

based on the weather, we've decided we'll be spending saturday driving around the peninsula, making stops along the way at a few nature reserves (lakes, waterfalls, photography stuff), the only rain forest in america (AWESOME), and possibly drive down to the beach on la push. probably about an 8 hour day trip. sunday will be the full seattle experience. monday, it's supposed to be almost 60º, so that'll probably be my port ludlow exploration day. assuming my (big) camera makes it that far, i'd like to spend more time down at the marina. we'll see.

so far, this was a pretty good move :)

wa: day 1

2010-03-10T21:41:00.001-05:00

totem pole @ the marina in port ludlow, wa

4am woke up

4:07 woke up..

4:14 woke up...

4:40 left for logan

6am lift off, BOS to CHI

8:40 landed in chicago (est)

9:40 lift off, CHI to SEA

1:30p landed in seatac (est)

12:40a ..still up..blogging.. (est)

i have been awake for 20.5 hrs. i'm pretty freakin' exhausted.

as i never travel, the fact that i'm over on the west coast right now is really trippy for me. i've just been going on and on about this trip for so long, the fact that i am finally physically in washington is so surreal to me. it's a pretty sweet feeling, though i do wish i were able to travel more often so maybe it would be a more familiar to me.

i got in to seatac (as you can see, above) at 10:30 this morning, 45 min earlier than scheduled. (awesome.) my aunt (whom i am spending the week with) picked me up and we drove 2 hrs back to her place, which is a beautiful vacation-esque home on the water with a covered deck and - as rumor has it - seals and otters in the "back yard." tomorrow, my first full day in town, i fully intend to spend it knitting, reading, and lounging.. possibly on the deck depending on the weather. it will be the first time i've been able to do those things without the guilt of other chores and errands weighing me down. this is a real day off.

highlights: row to myself on the plane, no waiting at gates, i'm on the freaking west coast

dreams where i can fly.

2010-03-06T10:21:00.004-05:00

i had the weirdest dream last night.

i had a dream i was going to visit my cousin in california, though she no longer lives there. i had a layover that was right over the cali border and a 6 hours drive (westward) to where she lived. (i'm not sure if takes 6 hours to get from one side of cali to the other driving only west...)

anyway, she met me there, and then i was all confused about whether i should fly the rest of the way there (even though i was already with her) or drive back with her. i hate long car rides, though. it was just really strange to already be with the person i'm visiting, and then get on a plane to meet her at her house.

i decided to get back on the plane for another 3 hour flight (wtf). when i got on the plane, i was suddenly on a flight out, again to california, but now it was to visit B. C and J were also on the plane, as we had apparently all planned to visit him together. of course, B was on the plane with us, which made no sense seeing as he was the one we were going to see. oh, and i had no pants on. of course. who would wear pants on an airplane?

clearly, my anxiety over my upcoming trip is working its way into my dream. typical.

i'm going to go start my packing list. i cannot believe i leave in 4 days.

shippin' [out of] boston.. whoa-oa-oa.

2010-03-03T18:41:00.002-05:00

a week from today, it will be 3:41pm to me, as i will be on the west coast.

i can't believe i'm going to be in seattle, wa next week. i can't freaking wait. technically, i will be an hour and half outside, staying on the water of puget sound where my aunt lives. a few days will be spent in the city seeing all of the touristy stuff, like the space needle and whatnot. also, apparently there's a rain forest about 2 hours away on the olympic peninsula, the only rain forest in the united states. yeah, i'll be there. hopefully, i'll also get to see some friends of mine who live in the city and down in olympia. we'll see how that goes. mr. microsoft might be too busy for me..

of course, the main reason i'm going is to get out of the northeast for a bit. i need such a break from this place it's not even funny. it will be nice just sitting on the water, doing a little nature-walking, spending some quality time with my aunt (whom i see maybe every other year) and having time to knit. yes, i'm serious. especially on the plane.

the weather over there has been consistently 10-15º warmer than what we have over here. i'm down with that. i'm sick of the winter. i could use a little hope for the spring. when i get home, i'll be that much closer to a new england april.

* * * * *

hey, ask me questions. anonymously. i got this from some people on facebook. errbody's doin' it (and gettin' crunk, crunk.) ..just sayin'.

to just.. write.

2010-03-02T17:40:00.000-05:00

hey, fellow writers & bloggers,

for those who don't follow LifeHacker, there's a new website they wrote about yesterday called 750words.com. it's a very simple idea where you literally just write 750 words a day (or less.. whatever). it's completely private so you can basically go off on whatever you want, but it'll keep your stats of how long you wrote for, what your wpm was, what your most frequently used words were, and so on. it'll even give it a rating based on content. (i love stats.)

i like it because i need a place to do that, to just write with no real topic or not even completely make sense. it keeps your brain working, ideas flowing, and it's good to keep your typing skills fresh (i typed 107wpm today.. awesome.) it's great if you're suffering from writer's block, too, as i often do.

just thought i'd throw it out there. i know a few people that read this that might appreciate a site like that, so enjoy :)

oh, and start following LifeHacker, too.

shouldn't be up.

2010-03-01T01:22:00.002-05:00

It's 1:23am and I have to be up for work in 6 1/2 hours. No big.

I think it's sad that I've had this blog since 2oo7 and I'm pretty sure that Nov - Mar will be the longest gap you'll see in my archives.

I'm coming back here. There's a lot going on and a lot I'm trying to figure out that, believe it or not, has nothing to do with psychological disorders/research. I always work things out better in writing. I won't let this blog turn into something where my only reminders of its exsistence are the e-mails I get about receiving spam comments.. which is what's been happening. What a waste.

Does anyone still follow this blog? Still going to write, just curious of what kind of audience I'm talking at.

false advertising.

2009-11-18T10:12:00.001-05:00

I found this picture off a favorite blog of mine, What Not to Crochet, a blog about the stupid ugly shit people have figured out how to create with a crochet hook. Oh, like you didn't know I was a yarn nerd? Pssht.

Anyway, let's take a look at this Art Direction FAIL, shall we?

1) She's "knitting" a blatantly crocheted afghan.
2) She's holding both needles in her left hand. (Come on, even people that know nothing about knitting know they're not fuggin chopsticks.)
3) This blanket OBVIOUSLY does not have 6 colors in it, and even the 3 do not all need to be used at once.

Awful, awful art direction.
On a completely unrelated subject, the model looks strangely familiar.

she says it wasn't popular when i was born..

2009-09-26T22:53:00.000-04:00

From Jezebel:

[Click on image to see original article.]

2009-09-01T00:11:00.003-04:00

I really miss my blog.

stop putting holes in children.

2009-06-07T19:43:00.000-04:00

I have a huge problem with babies with earrings. HUGE.

Sweet lord, look at social acceptance and what it's done to us. Mothers rush their children to the doctor for bumping their head on the coffee table, but then volunteerily let someone punch a hole through their baby's ear? They don't know what's going on.. it hurts like hell even when you DO know what's happening.. and for what? So they have something shiny and pretty? THROUGH their brand new ears. Will you get their stuffed animals' name tattooed on their shoulder, too?

I wonder if anyone's tried to do that.. wouldn't be too shocked.

the ice cream truck vs. WoW.

2009-06-02T21:16:00.003-04:00

I heard the ice cream truck head down my street a few hours ago. It was probably driving about 30mph and I thought, I wish I was still excited by the ice cream truck. Maybe I'll grab it one day. Then it occured to me that, had I even had an interest in running out to it, it is pretty unlikely that I could have possibly gotten off my couch and caught the ice cream truck much easier than any other car heading down my street. How on Earth do the kids do it?

Maybe they don't.

The ice cream truck used to be so easy to catch. It would drive about 15mph through the neighborhoods, rightfully assuming that one of the hundreds of kids hanging out in the streets will jump at the opportunity to buy strangely convenient ice cream. For those who are in your teens, you may be too young to know that the only thing you used to be able to do in the summer is play outside. There were wiffleball games and rollerblades and hide-and-seek. Now, there's AIM, World of Warcraft, Halo. Do kids go outside anymore? Of course they do. But you have to admit it's harder to get them to do since there are so many things to do inside now.

I wonder how long it will take for the Ice Cream Man to lose his job.

i probably would.

2009-05-30T18:23:00.000-04:00

amen.

stupid black pants.

2009-05-29T18:52:00.003-04:00

They're driving me crazy. Every time I put them on, I know that within the hour, I will be walking into a world of pure, unadulterated dysfunction and drama. Unfortunately, the dysfunction is not just on the customers' behalf. Oh, no, we contribute plenty of that on our very own. How grown up of us.

I am not coming up on month 10 of serious, "real-world" job searching with horrifyingly little luck and nothing but 1 measly interview. I have obsessively updated my Monster and LinkedIn profiles to no end and can't imagine what it takes to get a view in this place. How hard is it to find a job sitting at a desk, answering phones, and picking up bitch work that other people don't feel like doing? ..Pretty hard, apparently. But still, I push on.

For those who don't know, I am completing my Graphic Design Certificate at the end of July. It seems far away, but it's only two more modules. Technically, one split into two parts: Portfolio I and Portfolio II. I am pretty excited. Even more so, I'm absolutely thrilled at the idea of rejoining the academic world to work on my degree. I'm leaning heavily towards psychology, but I've been thinking a lot about the medical side of the health world. I'm fascinated by it. Unfortunately, my weak stomach keeps me from a large portion of options in that department, but I can't keep from thinking there might be a place for me. Nonetheless, I'll be studying some form of health science.
On top of that, I'll get to take college courses (for credit!) in graphic design and really work on expanding my skills. That's really exciting for me.

But, it is Friday night.. and it's poker night (ma ma ma ma).
More to come. I really miss writing.

my 12 hour days.

2009-04-14T19:29:00.000-04:00

Things that are easy: staying on your feet, going nonstop for 13 hours straight with only a 1 hour break.
Things that aren't as easy: working in a slower, non-energetic job for 8 hours, then sitting in front of a computer and listening to lectures for 3 hours with a total of a 1 hour break.

Sounds odd, but makes sense.

I have two hours left and I am determined to not nod off.. as difficult as that is.

vital update.

2009-04-13T00:12:00.000-04:00

i am 4 classes away from completing the graphics program. (then, it's on to web.) i'm loving it, but stressed about the schedule.
still working @ acmoore, but now under the title of "merchandising supervisor." title aside, nothing else has changed..
still interning @ meda & still loving it. i worked my first health fair 2 wks ago and it felt pretty good.
my current roommates are moving out in less than a month and i actually found a roommate *before* becoming retardedly desperate!
in the same vein, i'm working hard to keep myself grounded about the new roommate. don't want to relive anything..
i still really love my apt <3 i can't believe it'll be a year at the end of july.

i need to write more. i don't just mean blogging, but actually by hand. my mental state has been.. questionable lately. i don't mean questionable like slipping back into old thoughts, or depressed, or anything. i just feel like i might be able to think straighter and clearer if i actually got back to journaling. you know, with a real pen.. on paper.. that'll be my new goal. to try to write (far away from a computer keyboard) at least a couple times a week. we'll see what that does for clearing my head.

but, yes, blogging, too. i'm going to try to do that. i've got a lot to say. guess i should make time for it.
hope you're all well <3

it's funny cuz it's true..

2009-03-18T12:08:00.002-04:00

music that makes you dumb.

2009-02-28T18:32:00.002-05:00

Let's look at a few things.. first of all, someone actually took the TIME to make this chart. What does that tell you. Second of all, considering you can find basically every kind of music/band you can think of off the top of your head and none of them (aside from Beethoven) exceed 1300, I'm going to have to say this is far from evidence-based. Although, I am happy to find Ben Folds and Guster coming closer to making the cut. However, a large majority of people who score over 1300 and *gasp* even hit the big 1600 probably listen to a lot of this.

Does the person who made this chart not listen to music? It doesn't even make sense.
And one more thing.. isn't the highest you can score on SATs now 2400 or something?? They added a new section after my class took them. Whatever.

this has to do with my IQ how??

2009-02-22T13:50:00.000-05:00

is anyone else REALLY creeped out by these facebook ads??

murphy's law cancelled my plans.

2009-02-21T21:06:00.002-05:00

tonight, i was supposed to shoot a friend's show (cure for static). i spent a total of about an hour making sure my commute went smoothly and as safely as possible. (nothing like walking alone in boston with $1600 worth of equipment on your back.. i made arrangements to avoid that.) i had someone meeting me at the train, and a ride back. times were double checked to be sure i would get back before the final train.

i spent an hour packing and charging, making sure i had every last piece of equipment i needed, making sure everything worked and all my cards were formatted and i had the right cards and ID, a little cash - which i didn't think i'd need - my keys, phone, everything. i am not the most prepared person in the world and, knowing this, made sure i had prepared correctly. i ran out the door and got to the T station on time and, as promised, called my friend so he knew i was on my way.

i pulled the $5 out of my pocket as i pulled in, prepared to use $3 of it to pay for my parking. parking at the station went up and was now $5.75. what the fuck. so, i dug into my car change and gave the attendant the whole $5.75 i had on me.

i parked and ran up to buy a ticket (couldn't find my Charlie Card anywhere before i left). i put my check card into the machine (exp date: 09/12) and it was immediately rejected while i was told it was.. expired. lies.

i drove home. there were no other options. i drove home and grabbed my credit card, which i forbid myself to use unless it's an absolute emergency. count it. i get back to the station, explain to the woman what happened and that i just paid for parking 10 minutes ago. the language barrier caused some disturbance, but i was able to get back into my spot without much of a fight.

i grabbed "all" my stuff and made a run for the train, which was in the station as i pulled up. clearly, i wasn't getting on that one. it has now been approximately 20 min since i told my friend i was on my way.

trying desperately to catch my breath, i shoved my credit card into the machine to get a $5.oo ticket to ride. "cannot read card. please try again." you've got to be kidding me. i ran it 6 or 7 times and then decided to try to pull it out a different way as it was a little warped. finally, it took it. i shoved the ticket into the gate - down to $3.30 - and walked to the train.

figuring another train would not be by for about 5-10 minutes, i thought i'd pull out my cell phone and bitch via Twitter. not in my back pocket.. not in my jacket pockets.. i groped at myself for about 20 seconds before i realized.. my phone was still in my car.

i took a deep breath - getting stressed would not get me to landsdowne st any faster - and exited the station to get my phone. i wouldn't make it to the show without it as i had to meet up with people at the kenmore station to know where i was going and get there safely. as i exited, it occurred to me that there was no one but the ticket machine to convince that i had already paid my fare. i would have to pay another $1.70 to get back on the train and, of course, $1.70 to get back home.. which meant putting another $5 on the ticket, as i would come up $o.1o short after having already paid once.

at some point, you have to figure that.. maybe i'm just not meant to go to the show tonight. i fought the best i could, but the night fought harder and it was time to turn around and go home. sometimes, the universe has a funny way of telling us, "you should probably stay home tonight." i called the boys to apologize and thank them for the trouble they went through to try to get me there. he told me to get home safely and they'll see me at the next one. hopefully, their next show will not be on a night when the universe has decided it doesn't want me going out.

the good news is: i'm ridiculously tired and have more work to do than i know how to handle. i have to admit it's a bit of a load off to know that i can put my pajamas on at 10pm, get some work done, and get to bed early to finish the mountain of projects i have in the morning.

i'm going to go make tea.

omg, a blog!

2009-01-17T17:33:00.002-05:00

hmm.. it seems as if i've fallen sadly behind on my personal blog. actually, kind of both, but way more on this one.

i've been very busy, but would really like to make writing more part of my business. i promise to try harder.

since december 12th, i have started working.. at least, i'm pretty sure it was after that point. i feel like i've been there for about 3 months, now, so my sense of time is even more distorted than usual. i work at a craft store that is going to remain nameless so that i have the freedom to tell stories about dumb people there! and there are so.. many of them. i'm hoping to not be back in retail for long, but for now, i'm happy as hell to have a source of "income".

so, now i'm working. i'm an intern at MEDA (the multi-service eating disorder association) and spend 1 day a week in the office, mostly doing design work. it's awesome and i'm freaking in love with it. i was also offered a position at a framingham elementary school for an after-school program. i would be teaching little kids how to knit :D i start next friday on a volunteer basis, just so we can get to know each other. i'll be assisting the current teacher and, if all goes well, well.. we'll see :)
tomorrow, i'm auditioning for "some girls" at hovey players tomorrow. if i get in (i hope, i hope, i hope..), it will be the first show i've done since "fools" back in may.. thanks to waitressing. i loved serving, but now i can work hours that don't rape me of rehearsal time!
..i'm not home much, lately. i'm not even working full-time (not sure how that happened..) and i'm working towards finding full-time. i'm just worried it's going to cause me to sacrifice MEDA hours. that would suck.

that's that, for now.
now, for a fun "retail customers are retarded" story.

here's a short-but-fun one from one of our custom framing employees:

a man walks up to the CF counter and says, "hey, do you sell any of that invisible wire for hanging photos?"
"yup, it's right over here!" she walks over and grabs a package of fishingline-esque material off the shelf and hands it to him. he looks at her as if she had just done something horribly, horribly wrong.
"is this some kind of joke?"
"not a very funny one.. what's wrong, sir?"
"this wire isn't invisible. i can see it."
...

peace out!

i want to adopt her.

2008-12-12T18:15:00.004-05:00

some of you may remember Capucine, the cutest little 4-year-old French girl i have ever seen in my life. there is a video of her telling the most ridiculous, fantastical story and it's unbearably adorable.

i'll post her original internet appearance for those who haven't had the chance to be enlightened by such an unbelievable imagination. but first, the greatest letter to santa clause ever.. as dictated to her mother.

“Père Noël,

I would like a nice gift, and I would like to see you.

Because I have been very good throughout the year. I have listened well, I have cleaned up my room by myself and I had fun at school, and I have played with my friends.

Also, I am going to move, I will have a nice house and a mezzanine.

I eat everything, but sometimes, I don’t.

Then I would like to see you for Christmas and Halloween and talk to you. I would like to sing you a song-poem. When is winter coming ?

Also I would like to talk to you, but if you leave and go far away, I would like to see you in your house.

If I hug you, your beard will not sting, it will only tickle.

And I would like to go into your sleigh. How will I do that ? Do I have to climb up the trees ?

Kisses,

Capucine.”

here's her famous zoo story:

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

she's miss bad-media-karma.

2008-12-01T13:42:00.000-05:00

my mom will hear a song and go, "holy crap, david, we were shopping for bananas after that party the 3rd week after we met the last time we heard this song!" and i think, what the fuck.. who remembers that?? well, my thought process isn't that detailed (and hers aren't usually that creepily detailed, either), but i remember i was 11 or 12. my dad was driving me home from school and listening to kiss 108fm when the newest pop sensation came on with, "hit me baby, one more time."

"who is this?"
"britney.. something. i forget."
"you like her?"
"i LOVE her. this is like, my favorite song."
"..what does she want you to hit?"
i rolled my eyes. "i don't know, dad.. just listen to the song.."

she always had a knack for "catchy." even the last person in the world i would ever expect to like her music has a thing for "toxic"; you can't really help it.
as it is, she's an easy target. she went crazy, she shaved her head, she married a giant douchebag-lookin' guy.. she was a mess, and america would sit and laugh and talk about her ass on the cover of the tabloids over coffee. would you still do that if she was a friend of yours?
i think one of my favorite things is how everyone talks about how she shouldn't be allowed to be a mother. that's a pretty strong statement to make about a person, in general. seeing as how millions of people who make this statement don't even know her outside of magazines and articles whose ultimate goal is to draw readers, yes, i'm sure you have all the facts to judge someone's parenting ability.

why am i sticking up for britney spears, the biggest pop trainwreck of my generation and a person i don't even know? because i know her better than billions of people know the billions of people that they judge out of context every day. she has just as much baggage as the next guy and people just love to place judgement on others to make themselves feel better.
i like her. i like her spunk and the possibility of how human she may actually be.

i had so much more to say before i read jezebel this morning and realized that, not only do they feel the same way.. but they wrote it much more eloquently than i could have. if you care to read on, head over here.

can't shut off the mind.

2008-11-30T03:22:00.002-05:00

i am back in the metro-west after spending the holiday in my hometown 45 minutes west. it was a lot more relaxed than i had expected, to be honest. i somehow thought that i would feel the kind of stress i feel when i spend a day doing nothing productive. however, i guess that's what the past couple days were for, so i was rather welcoming to that.

but now, it's back to work. you know, that job i work 7 days a week but doesn't pay shit? yeah, that's the one. soon, though. i will have a new job soon.
i think the hardest part about job searching is that i don't feel like i really deserve free time to myself when i'm at home. i feel like if i'm here and doing something other than making calls or working on my resume & cover letter, i'm being totally unproductive, which, makes it hard for me to manage my time in a way that allows for the things i do actually feel like doing, like design projects, knitting, writing.. there seems to be no appropriate time allotted for these right now. i can't wait until i have a full time, hourly-scheduled job where i will be able to come home and know that the only things i have to do are the things i want to do.

speaking of things i want to do, i thought of a really cool idea that combines crafts, income, and my need to contribute. i mean, yeah, there are the hats, but this is different. it would take a little money to start, but i think my chances of success would be much higher than with the hats (which are taunting me with their existance). they would be easier to make in quanity without getting boring, easier for people to customize, and a much smaller chance of wool allergies ;)
as for the hats, i think i'm going to round me up some models (anyone interested? the more the better), get some pictures of these suckers once and for all, and put them up on etsy - the seemingly top pick for all my crafting/craft-buying friends.

alright, it's 3:12a and i am far from tired. that ain't good. my sleep is really screwed up and i'm not really sure what the best idea would be to fix this. B would say to try to go to bed 15 min earlier every night, but 15 min is so easy for me to say, "ehh, just 15 more min" to, which pretty much destroys the purpose.
gus has been asleep for 2 hrs. i wish people had the same sleep patterns as cats sometimes. it's so easy.

ugh. wish me luck.

my list de thanks.

2008-11-28T02:48:00.003-05:00

this year, i am the most thankful:

for the unconditional love and support i have received and continue to receive from my friends and family.
for the skills, lessons and tools i have acquired over the past year.
for my new found health and happiness.
for my absolutely beautiful apartment that i still can't believe i found.
for the roommates that saved my ass just in time.
for the people that have offer to help when i need it without a second thought.
for rediscovering passion.
that i am able to appreciate every aspect of my life even in circumstances that others would find it difficult to do so.
that i have learned to let go and move on. (still a slight problem, but it's gotten much better.)
for reconnecting to people in new ways.
my beautiful boy who is literally a constant reminder of my accomplishments..

it is an ever growing list, of course, but it is 3am.. so i'm going to head to bed.
fantastic thanksgiving. hope you all had the same :)
the fun continues tomorrow..

gd project: part 2.

2008-11-22T15:12:00.004-05:00

alright, here's another kiwi update.
i've been stuck on the same thing for a couple of hours now.. the fuzz, the glistening, the gut texture. dammit, kiwis. i really want to get this right, but wtf. people have done some pretty insane photo-realistic illustrations and i can't get a damn kiwi? c'mon, now.
i can think of some things i could do, but you can only do them in cs4, which i don't own yet.

oh, and the middle looks dirty.. not sure what to do with that, yet. that radial blur kind of helped, but kind of made it worse. my seeds are also a little spacey; i'll have to bring this in a bit more. i think i'm going to need to do a little photoshop work in there, but i can't yet.

anyways, here are the updates:

my 2nd big gd project: part 1.

2008-11-19T11:29:00.003-05:00

for my Ai class, i have to create a photo-realistic illustration. i.e. illustrate something that, unless you know, should look like a photograph. i am nervous, but i think it's starting off well.

i have a thing for kiwis (they're like, totally my fave, omg) so i went with that. i think the fact that they're rather glisten-y is going to be difficult, but i think i can do it. we're also not supposed to use outside sources, so i'm going to have to make my own paintbrushes which, obviously, i've never done before.

anyways, here's what i have so far. i'll update it as it comes along :)

things i wish i could say to people.

2008-11-18T16:07:00.003-05:00

but since, for 1 reason or another, i cannot.. i'll say them here in hopes of letting it get out of my head and i can let it be.

you are unbelievable. you can play dumb all you want, but it's time to look someone in the face and be honest with them. i put in way more effort than i should have. i am so done.
i've said everything i possibly could to you, and never felt like you heard any of it, and you expect me to still be here? it doesn't matter.. everything you've ever told me was a lie, anyways. this right here.. this is me letting go of you. finally.
i wish *so* badly you could have gotten to know me. i'm not who you think i am, i promise.
i couldn't get you out of my head for days. you either shouldn't have left, or you shouldn't have told me that you wish you hadn't.
i hate the way you treat me sometimes, and how i keep going back. i don't take your crap personally, but i wish you would catch yourself like you say you wish others would.
you're right. we wouldn't. the funniest part is, she couldn't even deny it.
what happened to you?? do you hear yourself anymore? some of the things you couldn't stand about her.. you do them.
you have led me to try to talk as little as possible around you. that way, i don't have to feel completely trivial when you interrupt me to say something that has nothing to do with anything i'm trying to tell you.. every single time i'm trying to have a conversation. this wouldn't suck so bad if you weren't so important to me.
i can't help but feel like if i could just meet you, i could help. i wish so badly you would let me help.

oh man, i've been dying to get that shit out.
now.. to see if i can move on without saying it to their faces.

affairs made easy.

2008-11-10T11:51:00.004-05:00

my roommate left the tv on and tyra came on. now, i am no talk show fan, but i get sucked in rather easily. it turned out to be a show on the 'ashley madison agency' website. i can't actually believe something like this exists. it's really disheartening, in fact.

the ashley madison agency's slogan is, "life is short. have an affair." it is a dating site for married men and women to look up their ideal match for cheating on their significant other. according to tyra, in 7 out of 10 relationships, someone is being cheated on. is this supposed to give people hope? does anyone not cheat anymore? i mean, there's a website specifically for this shit.

one woman says, "it ended my marriage, but it saved my life." she was miserable in her marriage. you could have ended your marriage first. you could have it all without cheating. if you're miserable, staying in a marriage and seeing someone else most likely isn't going to fix anything any faster. what a crock of shit.

i lose more and more hope. this is disgusting.

look ma!

2008-11-10T11:45:00.004-05:00

i did this in my first illustrator class on saturday :)

and she waits and she waits..

2008-11-04T21:12:00.001-05:00

this election, think about your body.

2008-10-30T14:07:00.000-04:00

An e-mail I received from the Planned Parenthood Action Fund:

10 Things Every Woman Should Know About McCain & Palin:

John McCain opposes equal pay legislation, saying it wouldn’t do "anything to help the rights of women."
John McCain opposes requiring health care plans to cover birth control.
John McCain opposes comprehensive, medically accurate sex education.
John McCain opposes funding to prevent unintended and teen pregnancies.
John McCain opposes funding for public education about emergency contraception.
John McCain opposes restoring family planning services for low-income women.
John McCain opposes Roe v. Wade and says it should be overturned.
John McCain wants to nominate Supreme Court justices who are "clones" of conservative Justices Alito and Roberts.
John McCain said he was "stumped" when asked whether contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV.
In his 25 years in Washington, DC, John McCain has voted anti-choice 125 times!

72,000 writers. 50,000 words. 1 month.

2008-10-29T00:41:00.002-04:00

that's write, folks! i'm an official participant of the 2oo8 nanowrimo contest. my cousin has been talking about it for years and i've always wanted to join up, but never had the guts to do it. let's face it, i've started many a "novel" in my time and they usually hit the punch line around page 4. i always wondered how writers could write about a topic for so long.

i was raised ~~thinking~~ knowing "whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." so, here goes nothing. who knows, maybe something legit will actually come of it. if nothing else, a sense of accomplishment, even if i simply outwrite how much i've ever written before.

so, wish me luck. and if you have any idea of a plot whatsoever, i highly recommend you jumping on board. couldn't hurt to see where it might go..

my boy.

2008-10-28T02:05:00.000-04:00

done it.

2008-10-19T14:08:00.000-04:00

hahahahaha :D

let there be light: an essay on priorities.

2008-10-11T09:39:00.006-04:00

Click for full size.

[Credit: L augh Graph]

I am a reform Jew. I was born a reform Jew to two Jewish parents. I attended sunday school, Hebrew school, was bat mitzvahed and confirmed. I spent a number of years on the board for my local youth group and three very solid, life-altering years highly involved in my region of NFTY (North American Federation of [reform] Temple Youth). This will always be a defining part of who I am.

The most important part of Judaism is the value of community. It is a support system that is unlike anything else I have ever had. When there is an event in the community, everyone is there. A birth, a death, a $200,000 fundraiser for a stem-cell transplant; we hold each other up, without question. I have always been proud of my background and my religion and consider myself extremely lucky to be born into such a community.

However, I have found myself questioning religion a lot lately. This process actually began a little under a year ago when I went through that phase of a break-up where I was trying to figure out what I could have done differently (an irrelevant and completely unproductive rumination process). I made my way to wondering if it had something to do with our difference in opinion about how we would prefer to religiously raise our children. Oddly enough, the ridiculous thoughts actually lead to a purpose: a reevaluation of my priorities.

The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter what religion my children are raised. They will see both parents' lifestyles and they will hopefully learn about both of those, as well as others out there. The important part is that my children will be raised with good values as a human being. Whether or not they believe that Jesus saves, or that there is a day when God writes down who will die that year - and how - and seals it a week later really only dulls in comparison to the importance of how they treat other people and how they are going to change the world. We are all raised with some religious information, be it that there is no god or there are 40 gods. Besides, we all know that we reach a point - typically around the teen years - when we begin to question the meaning that has in our lives. Teenagers are smart; they reevaluate, they discover, they customize, they "rebel," and they eventually fall into their own beliefs.

The Torah has become a book of fables to me. It is my tradition and history, but so is The Little Mermaid. I once believed in Ariel, too. You can laugh, but there is no difference between the truth in her and the truth in the Easter Bunny. It was enjoyable, but I have slowly been outgrowing those stories over time. I still love hearing them like I love listening to Greek myths and other religions' beliefs, but i will not personally base my lifestyle around them.

We know so much more nowadays that may or may not back up stories from the Old Testament. If someone tells you God spoke to them via burning bush, they will most likely be considered clinically insane or tripping balls. There have been far greater medical mysteries than the stories that people come up with about the biblical days. Women become pregnant when they are told they're barren. They also lie and cheat; I'd love to hear a woman tell her husband that it must be "the son of God." Good luck, honey.

So, what do I believe? I believe that "God" is not a giant old man designing our universe, but more a force of nature, like gravity. Maybe [my] god is gravity. It keeps the world in motion and it keeps a balance. I believe what goes around comes around and karma is a bitch. I believe everything happens for a reason and we decide our own fate. We invite what comes into our lives; if you are always negative, you will only bring negativity in. I believe that the world population was not intended to be "every man for himself" and that people are supposed to connect and protect each other. I believe pain and suffering is necessary to learn and grow and that if we cannot learn to let go of the emotional toxins in our lives, those toxins will manifest themselves in a physical manor. I believe in doing what you love or getting out.

Yes, there are limitations to some of these, as there are with all things, but these are the values that I base my lifestyle on. I only get one life (at a time) and the only people that I owe any words of thanks and praise to are those who have first- (or even second-) handedly impacted my life, myself included.

I don't know what the universe came from or where it's going. I have no idea what happens in "the afterlife". I have learned to trust without the answers. I feel more comfortable not knowing than I do with what others make up based on what they want to believe. I can respect that many people find comfort in having answers, even if they are unofficial, but I cannott live without truth. It is the year 2oo8 5769. We have so much more to do with our lives than prepare for what happens next, when no one even has proof of what that is. What a damn waste. I am down with the here and now.

I am a reform Jew. I will take every Jewish value I have learned with me for the rest of my life, but my faith lies in the moment. In this moment, I believe I have more historical connection to a tadpole than I have ever had to a man's rib.

Please read before commenting: This is a personal blog that strictly covers my personal opinion. I respect that everyone has their own beliefs and, in return, expect mine to be respected, as well. I would never try to force my opinions on anyone else. This entry was not intended to offend anyone.

the starving artist.

2008-10-11T01:07:00.002-04:00

the economy is shittin' the bed and the first thing you all say to yourselves when money gets tight: "i really need to cut back on eating out." come on, even i've been saying it. the restaurant industry is taking a huge hit right now and it's been tough on all of us. hours are being cut way back; some of us are blessed to get more than 3 shifts in a week. it's funny because, over the summer, there were notes up all over the schedule pleading for people to take their shifts. now, the schedules are plastered with notes begging to pick up any extra hours we can.

it's odd, but i think part of what i love about the restaurant industry is that we're all fighters. we work hard for what we earn, and then we have to work beyond that to help each other and help the company, despite our disturbing hourly wage (that we never see). we've got each others' backs and i love that. you have really got to love your co-workers to keep a restaurant running smoothly. we run smoothly and it all makes the time well worth it, even if it doesn't show on my pay stubs.

meanwhile, i continue to hunt for more stable means of income. i won't be leaving margs for a long time, but i definitely need a second source.

the roommate search is still in progress, and man, what a bitch that's been. i've done a good share of roommate searches in my day and never once had such a difficult time. i guess it's the time of year. that, and everyone seems to be itchin' to live in the cambridge/somerville/allston area. i don't know what it is about waltham, but it's not happenin' right now. i do have an interview coming up, though, so we'll see how that goes. i know it'll happen when it's meant to. lord knows patience landed me in the beyond-perfect apartment, so i'll continue to trust that it all happens when it's time.

i'm happy. :)

my family.

2008-10-02T23:09:00.003-04:00

my gramma called my uncle and my 8-year-old cousin, max, picked up.

m: bubbie, you know that homework you helped me with?

g: yes, how was it?

m: i got it wrong.

g: all of it?

m: no.. just the ones you did.

g: oh no, did you say that bubbie helped you with it?

m: they don't know what a bubbie is.

yup.. it's definitely fall time.

2008-09-19T22:26:00.002-04:00

"i don't think people are meant to be by themselves." jd, scrubs

my head's uncomfortable.

what we've come to.

2008-09-14T16:37:00.003-04:00

f1: "he probably has a crush on you."
me: "he has a girlfriend."
f2: "that doesn't mean anything.."

i can't argue it, which is why it sucks. if i were the girlfriend, i'd be pretty pissed if i knew this conversation was going on somewhere. nothing's ever set in stone, is it. relationships are never bulletproof, and everyone knows it.

this whole concept freaks me out.

i'm lovin' it.

2008-09-12T13:44:00.003-04:00

i've gotten hold of a lap top rental (thanks, bill) for the past 15 hours or so, so i'll leave a quick one for the sake of semi-consistency.

work is going well. believe it or not, i'm looking at the possibility of advancement. yes, folks, it's apparently possible and will be a fantastic feeling considering i'll have to cut back some hours once i head back to school in 11 days. i'm pretty excited about that, especially because i've never actually advanced at a job before. of course, none of my jobs really provided that sort of opportunity (unless you consider my almost-move-up to photo lab tech at cvs a few years ago.. haa..). i got to admit, i'm pretty proud of the work i'm doing considering how much i never used to be willing to push myself. i've come a long way and it feels pretty damn good to see what i'm capable of. i may complain about how worn down i am after hitting overtime, but i'm secretly pretty proud of it.

the apartment is fantastic and still immaculate. i've become a slightly compulsive cleaner, which i'm okay with. it's sometimes annoying due to the whole obsessive-compulsive struggle in general, but hey, my house is clean. nothing wrong with that, right?
of course, it's proving difficult to bring someone new in. i'm pretty anxious about it, but the anxiety has been surprisingly decreasing. i know it will all work out how it's meant to. i have to remember i can only have so much control. how unfortunate for someone with my nature. i guess that's part of the lesson. hey, knowing i have a problem is half the battle, right? i can only get so far at a time.

future plans i'm working on:

completely redesigning f.o (who's readership is growing surprisingly fast, even in spite of me not being able to update, currently.. how odd.. but awesome).
getting my work for bill completed (if i can get past the part where i don't completely have a grasp on design yet and just getting a temporary banner out, at least).
finally finding a name for the hat situation and getting that whole project on the move ,the ultimate goal being to combine a sales method that will work through f.o (as part of the profits will be donated to neda).
advancing at work (as mentioned before) and working on increasing my income in fewer hours while at school.. which may even allow me to work less nights and have more of a social life with my 9-5 friends
writing more.. a lot more. not just blogging, but i mean really writing and getting my work out further than the internet - the time deal is slightly difficult though.. which leads me to my next goal:
finding a way to better manage my time to fit in all my projects. let's face it: i'm not one to be able to do one thing at a time and i'm determined to do it all. my calendar is about to become my own 24/7 personal assistant. honestly, i'm kind of glad i can't afford the IPT yet.. i think writing everything down is actually keeping me more organized for the time being.

that's all.. time to eat and head back to my other building of residency.
if you live in the area, i highly recommend coming in. visitors always make my shift a little more exciting.

peace out.

checking off to-dos.

2008-09-05T15:13:00.002-04:00

yesterday was my "off" day.
i never actually have an off day; they're usually spent doing everything i need to during the week but don't have time to due to work. and, for once, i did it all. i fixed my car (which needed a ridiculous amount of work that couldn't be put off any longer) and finally got a new inspection sticker. i finally sent my lap top in, which should have been done months ago. losing the function of about 10 keyboard keys wasn't something i could easily ignore, unlike my fan overworking itself or my usb ports getting shorted..

long and short: yesterday was awesome. it felt so good to get all this crap off my shoulders that i've needed to do since as far back as february.

anyways, short haitus (not that you're not used to it) from blogging for a bit.
like i said, my mac's @ apple and i'm not sure how often i'll be able to get to the school until i get it back. you'll be ok.

peace out ;)

treading water.

2008-08-30T17:07:00.000-04:00

was sent home from work due to a serious case of cracked-outness. my 40-50 hour weeks have gone up to 50-60 hour weeks. that's too many hours. my body can't handle it, my brain can't handle it.. i love margaritas, i really do, but i'm finally starting to understand sue.

i need a vacation. a paid vacation.

i can't get one of those yet.

i'll probably have better luck finding a better job.

i miss my friends.

all of them.

your every-2-weeks update.

2008-08-29T18:08:00.002-04:00

alright, so, i work like my financial life depends on it, which it does. i will admit, i absolutely love my job, but the physical toll it's taking on me is becoming really difficult. last night, i went to bed crying due to excruciating pain shooting through my forearm. it was my "carrying" arm - if you will - so that's the best i can come up with to excuse that, but i can't figure out why the pain is completely gone this morning. my knees are falling apart, which they were anyways. i have a doctor appointment coming up and i'm going to try to get a referral for a knee doctor and a chiropractor. i can't be falling apart so early in my life. a more desk-oriented job would be fantastic for the week days. i would love to be able to just work margs part time and not depend on it for ~~the majority of~~ my income.

ending the pity-party, my enrollment in school is official. my loan has been approved, i have been enrolled, and i start the graphic design program at cdia on september. i'm so excited and so anxious, i can't even tell you. i have all these projects i want to do and all these ideas and i don't know what to do with them and how to get them into my computer. it's driving me insane. i can't learn it fast enough and i still have to wait another 26 days to even start. rawr. at least i know i have something besides margaritas to look forward to in the near future ;)

more things to look forward to: knitting/crocheting season. that's right, folks, the hats are back in production. this winter, they will actually be actively on sale. i've already banged out 2 and i'm looking for the best way to start making money with them. part of the profits will - as planned all along - be donated to NEDA. i haven't decided how much, yet (hey, all things considered, this girl needs to pay for groceries) or even how much to charge. in the past year, i've been selling them to friends (..and doctors) for $10. depending on how much i want to donate, i may raise the price. i think the first thing, above all, is to figure out how to sell them. craft show season is approaching, so i may find some local ones and find out how much it costs to set up a table. maybe go in on a table with a friend or two (anyone interested?). it sounds like it's all a little stressful, but i'm really excited planning it all.

before i head out, i would like to make mention of the watson family, neighbors and friends of ours for over 9 years. our families, unfortunately, have had a bit too much in common lately, as mr. watson became very sick semi-recently. he died of cancer this past thursday at only 6o. while i don't know what it's like to lose a parent, i certainly know what it's like to watch such a close family member go through such an illness. honestly, i feel a little guilty, all things considered, but i know that's out of my control. anyways, all my love to you guys. i'll see you in a few days. <3

sweet, sweet home.

2008-08-12T12:34:00.003-04:00

my new apartment.. is incredible. i'm actually obsessed with it. i can't believe how happy and at home i feel here. and, even more so, how happy gus seems to be. there's no doubt that the tension i was suffering through didn't even come close to what he felt. he seems much more relaxed here, which makes me even happier.

i still have some stuff to unpack and organize, although i've thrown a lot of useless, old crap away (files, bills, stuff from when i first moved into the old apt). the space is fantastic. i have room to live and i don't feel like there are any boundaries in my own home.

we've done a lot of furnishing and a lot of money has gone into the place, but not nearly as much as it could have been. mom and i rock the deals & sales. don't mess with us in the christmas tree shop.

the nightmare is not completely over. in fact, it has gotten slightly worse in an unbelievable way. just a little bit longer and a few more tasks at hand and it should be done. with everything i've been through and witnessed, you would think i could at least comprehend such disfunction.. but i've never seen anything like this before.

work is going well. money is starting to pick up and should only get better from here with all the bentley/brandeis kids coming back this month. i work 40-50 hr weeks and i'm pretty happy with what i have to show for it. yes, making ends meet is slightly difficult, but you do what you have to. i'm happy and i'm free, and that's what's important. i have a new contract position which may or may not pull through. however, i'm getting paid while we figure out if it'll last, so i'm okay with that. i have a new network contact - a photographer - who wants to see some more up-to-date work and start feeding me clients. and, on top of all that, i got my loan the other day to go back to school.

i've decided to take the "don't think too much" approach about going back to cdia. the "thinking too much" goes along the lines of, "what if i can never pay back my loan? what if i decide i hate what i'm doing and want a complete career change? what if i crash? what if i can't get enough hours at work around my school schedule? what if i can't do the one show i've been dying to do for 9 years and finally have the opportunity for it?" what if, what if, what if........what if i could get a grip and realize that if i don't go back to school, i'll be taking contract jobs that i only kind of enjoy and making my base income out of tips for the rest of my life? when your full time job is waitressing and you've graduated.. is there really a "better time" to go back? if you answered "no," then we're on the same page. congrats.

boxes, duct tape & sharpies.

2008-07-30T09:20:00.000-04:00

you've seen my cat.. allow me to introduce you to my roommate's cat:

in fact, i believe this was just a video of her cat taken and cartoonized. the only exaggeration is that the poor thing can't figure out the actual button to shut off the tv. i love sweetie ;)

so, most important piece of information to throw up here is that after 4 long months of searching, viewing 11 apts ranging from perfect-but-won't-allow-cats to are-people-expected-to-survive-in-this-place, and seemingly millions of phone calls ending in "..had a bad experience and won't allow cats anymore," i came across apt #12.

i expected it to be a quick, 10:30am drive-by ending with my "thanks.. i'll call you.. or something" just like all the others. i looked at everything i could get into, whether or not it seemed ideal, just to be sure i didn't miss any opportunities. i had nothing to lose. funny how - after months of work - the place i finally get to walk into and think, this is my apt, comes along on july 27th. i was approved on my birthday. and everyone says there's nothing good about turning 22 ;)

it's.. better than i could have thought i could afford. it's beautiful, great space, great features, GREAT storage, brand new carpet/flooring/paint.. and the location. i had realtor after realtor tell me, "you should really think about expanding. watertown and belmont are very close." it always drives my mom crazy that when i really want something, i will get it. i not only got the city, but i got it off moody, just where i need it. i more than cut my walk to work (and school) in half. and (could it be any more perfect..) it's right across the street from a catholic church. now i can go to mass whenever i want..... or something. at least i can tell you i'll never be sleeping past 12 on a day off; you can hear those bells from watertown.

*note: roommate needed for sept 1. male only. let me know if you know of anyone looking.

now, all "hunting" energy now goes into job-hunting. i'm waiting to hear back on a position i really want, but the guy is away until aug. 4, so i'm trying to be patient. i started talking to him about a month ago. i'm hoping..

also, i'm meeting with my admissions counselor from cdia on monday. i'm petrified of what "going back to school" entails, but i'm also petrified of what it would mean to not do it. i'm thinking of starting in the fall because, let's be honest, all that waiting gets me is another 4 months of living off of margaritas. i love working there, but i would love to have a day job that doesn't involve the infamous sour-circles on my shirt. not to mention, it'll be nice to be able to cover my bills & rent.. and have "extra" money so i can stop paying my credit card bill penny by penny.

fantastic things :D

loving my life.

not-so-lazy summer days.

2008-07-25T19:06:00.005-04:00

been in a much better mood. i have a really good feeling that my apt search is closing in on the end. i'm also going to e-mail this guy about the job i want soon and hope that he's interested in my work. i would really love to have a job doing.. what i would rather make a living off of. don't get me wrong, i love serving and i'm definitely going to stay at margaritas no matter what job i find to make a living off of. it's great (eventually "extra") cash and i love the people i work with.

i'm starting to look into going back to school again, as well. apparently, everyone @ cdia is on vacation this week (or.. maybe just the 2 people i tried to contact), but i'm going to get in there and lay down all my questions about financial aid and payment plans and think about whether i would like to start the pt program in the fall or spring. we will see.

and now, for something completely different, my carefree, well-off, happy-to-be-shaved-down baby:

this was taken with photobooth, because it's all i had to get it fast enough.

for the record, this picture REALLY doesn't do the hilarity of this pose justice. i wish i had my camera next to me at the time.

(he's rubbing my laptop as i post this. he knows when he's the focus.. no pun intended.)

back to the drawing board.

2008-07-21T22:38:00.002-04:00

alright, my "finding the silver lining" idea was not so successful. of course, nothing in life is that easy. this shit takes work. i'm cracked out. i had a week of living on my parents' couch and then i went back to work and.. tomorrow will be my 3rd day off since that day i jumped back on my feet.

i mean, all things considered, i can validate myself. with so much going on and no time to work through it, anyone would be a little cracked out. but a quick blog trying to find the good parts won't cut it and bitching&moaning to the same person over and over again is clearly only going to make it worse.

tonight's goal:

putting down the lap top, soaking my feet in hot water, and breaking out an actual pen & paper. i refuse to let it build until i blow or continue this streak of negativity that i can't even stand. at least you can get away from me. just.. give me a little space. i'll bounce back. i always do.

things to look forward to:

my bank statement :D
my day off tomorrow :D
seeing my mom for the first time since i crawled off her couch from surgery :D
urban interactive :D
my birthday & related plans :D
calling on these 2 apts i found tonight :D
hearing back about a job i really want :D
moving out :D (it will be soon.. i can feel it.. it's coming.)
the booze cruise :D
new friends :D

..whatdya know.. already in a better mood :)

actually.. i'm in a great mood. i found my fix :)

ooh, still need the hot water soak though.

finding my silver lining.

2008-07-17T21:16:00.002-04:00

i have been ridiculously negative about a lot of things lately, which is far from who i've become. i don't like it and i'm sure the people i converse with the most don't as well. so, here's my project. i'm going to list all the things that suck right now, but then i'm going to find the reasons why they're good. this is what writing is for.

feel free to read on, but it's really just for my own sake.

thing that sucks #1:
this apartment. the dirt, the grime, the bugs, the tension, the darkness, the morbidity, the fighting, the atmosphere..

the silver lining:
i'm not homeless. in fact, it's a pretty good size and *most* of my stuff fits comfortably. the rent is split 3 ways and - due to rent control - it's officially the cheapest non-shithole you can find for what i pay a month. it's a half mile's walk to work and everything i need is within biking/walking distance and i only use my car a few times a week. our landlord loves me (and my family) and is really laid back. ..he's also offered to buy us rum cakes for our birthdays, which start today, but tana has yet to show.
i've set up a good home here, despite a few things that i'm trying to avoid saying so that i can stick with the "silver lining" aspect. but, fuck, it's hard. it's a nice place. i got really damn lucky here.

tts#2:
my finances. i always bitch and moan about them to the point where it even annoys *me* sometimes. i know. but i'm scared.

tsl:
i have a job. and, according to all my well-worked math, it's not bad money. it's a week before august and i can already pay august rent. i'm not only making enough for where i live, but i could feasibly afford a higher rent on what i make. it can at least suffice until i can find a better weekday job (when i don't make shit at the restaurant). i'm doing ok for myself and i know i'll be on my feet before i know it. i really need to give myself more credit for the work i do. i'm working hard, full time, working on my portfolio, and heavily job searching. what more can i do right now?

tts#3:
getting hurt over something so retarded. the hardest part is thinking about everything i've survived and everything i've fought through in the past couple years.. i fought for my life. and i actually still let a single person make me cry.

tsl:
okay, i'm definitely being too hard on myself, here. and i know i'd hear that damn bell for saying that it's totally retarded that let myself get hurt over something so insignificant. it was clearly significant enough, if it hurts. and there's certainly a lesson in it, even if i haven't found it, yet. maybe the lesson is that i need to let myself get hurt. just because i've survived everything i have, i tend to think i'm supposed to be invincible now and this is my way of learning that i'm still only human. i've been through worse - much worse - and i always find myself okay in the end. so, here's to letting life teach me another lesson about letting go and letting myself not be ashamed of feeling hurt once in a while.

there were more. maybe i should take advantage of the fact that i can't think of them right now.

i'm really going to work on the negativity thing. i hate being that person, and that's really not who i am anymore. i'm doing everything i can to fix all of the above and that's all i can do. someday, i'll get my shit together. a lot of people my age tend to be a little lost.. right?

don't you miss my xanga entries.

2008-07-10T01:29:00.003-04:00

why does this have to be so dramatic.
why can't i just call it quits and be done with it.

and how the hell did i actually end up hurt in this ridiculous situation..
i really would have liked to think i have more control over myself than that.

buddy list art.

2008-07-09T01:45:00.003-04:00

i'm easily amused, this isn't anything shocking to those who know me. you can only imagine how much easier that gets the later it is at night. okay, i have no excuse.. i always think it'd kind of cool when there are color patterns in my buddy list, the same way i am amused when there are number patterns in my odometer. i like patterns, i can't help it.

thanks to those who made my buddy list art possible.

goodnight.

wait, i missed a holiday?

2008-07-07T20:51:00.002-04:00

for those who don't know, i had my wisdoms out this past thursday. most of you have had them out, so you all have your own stories.. and i've heard them all. my story isn't a huge change from the giant mix i have received, though i must admit that i've certainly heard worse. the only thing that puts my own twist on it is that my body apparently isn't in top shape for surgery, but i'm sure that doesn't come as a huge shock to many. (it was that whole fasting-for-8-hrs-prior-to-anesthesia thing..)

the most important thing i learned is not to ask for stories on such common events, if you plan on using them as a "what exactly to expect" guide. everyone goes through their own thing and there's not really any room for judgement. just another life lesson hidden into one big event.

i had a fair share of people tell me, "oh man, i couldn't talk or eat solid foods for 2 weeks after that!" and a pretty equal amount tell me, "pssht, i was back running the world after the 3rd day." it's funny; people who said the first tend to be much more open-minded to the different possible outcomes. people who voiced the latter were more prone to thinking that those in the first group are just a bunch of whimps for taking longer to heal. thus is the world we live in.

one woman at work fought me to the death, saying that taking a week off from work was absolutely ridiculous because a friend of hers went back to work after just a few days. despite me telling her, much more kindly than i wanted to, that i appreciated her opinion but i've heard a lot of people have many different experiences with their recovery, she still seemed completely adamant that because her friend was up and running, the whole world should be. (i have a prize for anyone that can tell me how that run-on could have been prevented.)

these are the kind of people i have learned are so not worth my time and energy. so, i said, "okay, great, thanks," and walked away to grab a soda.

anyways, it's now been almost 5 days since the extraction and i'm finally starting to feel a little normal. it has been about 24 hours since my last percocet, and i'm hoping i'm officially done with them. (you did great, guys, but your side affects really kind of blow.) i've been moving around a lot today, doing a lot more for myself, and my appetite is finally really coming back (which, we all know is huge for me in more ways than it should be). the first half of the day was really pretty rough, but it was expected, so i guess i have to roll with it. hopefully, that part of my recovery is over with..

i believe i'm heading back to my apt sometime tomorrow, which is going to be weird. i settle in really easily, not to mention, this is the longest i think i've spent at my parents' since i moved out. it's the baby in me. being taken care of for that long becomes comfortable. i don't like that i do it, but i think all i can do at this point in my life is realize that i do it, and get out like i'm ripping off a band-aid.

i have got to admit, it feels pretty good to think about the gas i've saved not driving for 4 days..

is life ever not about changes?

2008-06-29T14:59:00.004-04:00

i wish music wasn't such a huge anchor for me, sometimes. i listen to old songs, often ones that i've discovered in the winter (i.e. certain Used songs, certain Imogen Heap songs, etc.) are the ones that really hit me hard. they're not always bad feelings, but i still don't know how to deal with them, i guess.

for example, last night, i couldn't handle "just for now". i don't know what it is. i feel exactly like i did when i was introduced to it, which was amazing. it was kind of like.. a rebirthing song and i still love it. but it was hard to feel that for some reason. maybe it's just too intense for how i was actually feeling last night.
i wish i could erase the feelings that some songs are really anchored to so i could just listen to them like any other song again.

* * * * *

things are changing; some too slowly, some too quickly. the lack of balance is frustrating, but i would lying if i said it didn't keep things interesting.
for one, the moving situation, while still unresolved, has a plan. i did find an amazing place, but i lost it. gotta be quicker. i was upset, but it raised the awareness of my rooming situation which can now be worked on. i have a roommate for august and that's currently my only guarentee. i'm actually ok with that, too. i'll find a place. yanno, even if tomorrow is the last day of june and i would like to move on august 1.. but that's ok.. checking out the 1 millionth apt tonight. keep your fingers crossed, if you believe in that sort of thing.
i've received a surprising number of responses to my status change on facebook. people apparently thought that because i went from no status to "single", i had been committed to someone. nope. was not. and i don't have patience for games, nor am i the kind of girl to sit and wait.
on the same note, i will and have been straight up and honest. i don't understand why things aren't sinking in on either side. i could not be more straightforward about the things i've said, and yet there still appears to be some strong misunderstandings with multiple people. is there a language barrier i'm missing?

* * * * *

i've been writing for about 5 hours, now. i should probably take a break.
but, ew, this blog definitely needs a makeover when i come back.

p.s. i promised wedding pictures. here are my shots from the haddad wedding.

wedding recovery.

2008-06-23T22:55:00.004-04:00

this past weekend was absolutely unbelievable. two very dear friends of mine got married and it was, by far, the best wedding i had ever been to. the photos are posting as we speak; i will update this entry with the link as soon as they're done uploading. it'll take about another hour. i should really learn how to prep for web..

in other news, here are some quick, i'm-getting-a-migraine-and-can't-stare-at-the-screen-much-longer updates..

• wisdom teeth surgery is set for july 3 (next thurs). yes, i "lucked out" getting an appt so soon, but the pain is becoming unbearable. my food choice is getting softer ever day.

• i have given out my business card. that's cool :) website is still not live.. should be up by the end of tonight. tomorrow night, latest.

• for those who don't know, i now work @ margarita's. no, you can't visit me until i'm done training. so, when i'm back to work after my surgery, you're allowed to come in :) no, no one's getting anything free. let me establish myself there, first :P

• i might be changing my mind about wedding photography. yes, i currently really suck at it (mostly lighting-wise).. but, i think with some practice, i could really enjoy it. maybe i'll pick up a few assisting gigs for the summer. shooting, only, of course.

• things are still up in the air with HStock.. haven't heard from them. expecting a check.. i'm going to shoot them an e-mail before i pass out tonight.

just one little angry update:

• i really don't like you. i wouldn't care except that you're making a very important decision for me extremely difficult and it shouldn't even have anything to do with you. that makes me dislike you even more.

(for the record, i can 120% guarantee this person does not read my blog. so no, it's not you, innocent reader.)

that's all. back soon with the links.

holy crap, i'm tired.

for the pure sake of amusement..

2008-06-19T22:24:00.003-04:00

i usually save all that survey crap for myspace because, let's be honest, no one reads that bulletin shit, anyways. i'd rather not trash my blog with stuff like that, but this seemed amusing and i need something a little light-hearted and pointless to life at the moment. you'll get over it. feel free to do it yourself.

The Google.

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
emily needs almost 24-hour care.

haa.....:(

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
emily looks like a very charming woman, with a natural beauty and a sparkling, unconstrained expression in her face.

hey, i'll take that :)

3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
emily does her best.

well, it's about time someone noticed.

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
emily hates you.

aww.. that might be true. ;)

5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
emily goes to berkley.

no, she doesn't. she should've looked into it, though.

6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
emily loves to bounce.

...*dying laughing* (it's funny cuz it's truuuue... it sometimes replaces wiggling.)

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
emily eats some corn pops on the way to the party.

do i.. do i really..

8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
[when] emily has to shit..

it's a youtube video. and no, it's not even a little amusing..

9: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
[do you think] emily will be pregnant by casey?

no, i don't.

10:Type in "[your name] went" in Google search:
emily went and did it.

it's true. i'm sorry.

11:Type in "[your name] was" in Google search:
emily was a well-behaved girl.

emily dickinson, apparently. i guess i was, once upon a time, as well.

12:Type in "[your name] believes" in Google search:
emily believes she owes no one taxes.

so fuck off, massachusetts.

bands you should know.

2008-06-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

djatmaterra.

sort of a guster/dispatch sound.

the lead is an old camp friend of jay's.

they used to jam together.. aww. ;)

lansdowne.

discovered them at the 5/31 show they did with djatmaterra.

griffon.

met these guys through kait.

the singer's teaching me guitar.

sometimes, they give me free wings and beer ;)

no casino.

also discovered at the middle east on 5/31.

big. f-ing fan. i love a band that can really work a stage.

r.i.p colby hillier, 22, whs 'o4.

2008-06-17T00:56:00.003-04:00

about a week ago, colby hillier's boyfriend crashed his car in douglas, with her in the car.

drugs and alcohol were involved. "foul play" was suspected.

both were taken to the hospital; he was treated and released.

colby was unconscious.

her boyfriend was charged with drunken driving and surrendered to police custody.

colby passed away at umass memorial early this morning.

best wishes to the hillier/charland family.

no one should ever have to know what this feels like.

i'm going to single you out..

2008-06-15T00:56:00.002-04:00

dear kelly (from iop),

if you still read this, get the hell in contact with me.

i miss you.

and i have no other way to contact you :(

love,

me.